Riske Business: Grab Bag Vol. 3

by Adam Riske

More random movie-related clips and memories.

Holiday Blues



When I was a young Jewish boy, I was always terrified to let on how much I liked Christmas. A commercial like this one was one of many tests of my faith. It was all good if I wanted Oliver & Company Happy Meal toys from McDonald’s, but when I saw that they ALSO had Oliver and Dodger Christmas ornaments I had to have them. Trouble is, I was too scared to tell my mom and dad because I thought they would feel like I was denouncing Judaism. McDonald’s wasn’t making it any fucking easier because in order to get the ornaments I needed to spend five weeks' allowance for a $5 book of McDonald’s gift certificates. So I never got the ornaments.

I Got a Power Glove in My Swag Bag



I love when movies used to give you some kind of giveaway as a sweetener for seeing them. For example, Gladiator (1992) had a soundtrack for everyone who went to see it. The first tchotchke bribe I remember was for The Wizard. I would have seen that movie just because it starred Fred “hot off Little Monsters” Savage and featured a preview of the then brand-new Super Mario Bros. 3 video game. So I went to the mall with my dad (because where else would The Wizard be playing?) and we went to see The Wizard. The guy selling tickets was like “Would you like a free Nintendo Pocket Power Magazine?” so my dad checks in with me and I turned into the old guy with the telescope in Armageddon and was all “GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK!” Not for real, but in my head I mean.

The Original Grindhouse



I was out-of-my-mind excited in 1990 when I heard that Disney was doing a DOUBLE FEATURE (with an intermission to boot) of their short The Prince and the Pauper followed by The Rescuers Down Under. It was a concept unlike anything I had ever seen. It felt special and going to see this double bill with my mom made my day. Disney movies sort of do this today, as each one is preceded by an animated short but the way The Prince and the Pauper/The Rescuers Down Under was marketed made it feel that much more special.

Training Day

Part One:



Lots to unpack. Let’s get started.

0:50 – I bet Mr. Harris is thrilled that his wife is telling any neighborhood teenager that he’s such a dullard.

1:26 – “Yo, Marie! Let’s wake up!”??? Like is she supposed to intuit that a disembodied upper-half is going to train her via a single in-store monitor? I don’t like where this is going.

2:25 – Don’t shame Marie, Buster Sales! Bon Jovi tickets are not an implicit promise of canoodling.

3:30 – It’s not Marie’s fault that a hot title like The Hunt for Red October is checked out, Mrs. Harris. Take it from a former Blockbuster Video employee (ME!), new releases are often checked out in the first two weeks of release. If anyone, blame your community.

3:48 – Who rents music videos? Take her through this slow, Marie. She’s not quick on the uptake.

4:35 – Sean Connery + Interest = More rentals and a happy customer. Got it! Also, More rentals and a happy customer – Interest = Sean Connery.

5:12 – Blockbuster mostly went out of business because the employees didn’t consult the pocket guide and commit the 50 biggest titles to memory. Sad!

5:40 – Things are pretty Boh-gus for Kristin. If Marie had it together, she should recommend Bogus with Whoopi Goldberg. It’ll be out in six years from when this video took place. It’ll be preceded by a marketing blitz so don’t worry, you won’t miss it.

6:27 – So Kristin’s rented that video five times. How bout not judgin’ your friend, Marie? Look how many videos she’s renting this visit. It’s turning into a Blockchanal! I thought she was babysitting? Shouldn’t she be watching the kids?

6:40 – Spike looooooves Star Trek. It’s like “he’s gotta have it.” #SpockLee

7:10 – “I’m coming to get you, Kristin” – Brad as he leaves the counter to show Kristin the Star Trek videos.

Part Two:



I know what you’re thinking. Am I good enough to work at Blockbuster Video? You are! Let’s begin part two:

0:05 – Oh no! We’ve got a five-alarm side-ler.

0:28 – Eww! He referred to himself as a movie buff. I hope he never finds Casino Royale.

0:55 – Can you imagine this guy at home watching Casino Royale and enjoying it? I can. He’s probably listening to “Goodbye Horses” on a loop and muting the movie.

1:15 – (Jump Scare!)

1:36 – Is that a Video Log or the Torah?

2:00 – Now it’s just flirting.

2:28 – Oh, that’s pleasant. Damn you Buster Sales!

3:00 – There’s nothing more fetching than a brunette mid-PVT tape realization.

4:25 – Customers aren’t people. They’re clues. Pitch ‘em. Then ditch’em.

4:35 – Marge Simpson? “Doug’s a nerd?” Assholes. Not the Buster Way.

4:55 – “Remember, Marie. Nerd-shame the customer!” – Buster Sales

5:15 – My husband’s $10 limit? This is why we march! I feel bad for Doug.

6:22 – Clean the VCR head every 20 hours or so? That seems excessive. Wake up. Eat. Go to work. Eat. Clean VCR. Sleep. Repeat. #IDidItMyWay

7:00 – Doug doesn’t seem so bad especially since Marie was fawning over Pink Panther guy earlier. I don’t like the way she barked “Saturday BEFORE MIDNIGHT!” at them.

7:55 – Joan’s got a shit attitude. She’d be better suited at Hollywood Video. And finally, good on Marie – she’s saw Brian and seized the opportunity!

There’s Somethin’ Happenin’ Here…



Aladdin was a pivotal movie during my childhood. It was the movie that, for some reason, broke the string of my parents taking me to see every Disney movie in theaters. Also, when Burger King was selling Aladdin cups, it was no longer a given that I would be getting one. It’s like… I was growing up or I was too old for them all of a sudden. I was 10 and this was the end of the innocence. This commercial was crazy sad for me because right off the top, Dan Cortese (aka the best of us) and the Burger King Kids Club are all raising their hands that they saw Aladdin AND went to BK to get the new Aladdin magic cup. BUT I DIDN’T DO EITHER. I had to wear a scarlet BK. Plus, it wasn’t a regular cup, you guys. It was a magic cup that changed color when you filled it up! Because I was suddenly a grown up, I guess, I was allowed to have a shrimp dinner basket at BK (with table service…remember when they had that for a short time?).

You Can Keep Your Precious Sundance!



I think it’s funny that McDonald’s sold videotapes (as part of their “Holiday Film Festival”) for many reasons. Just seeing a copy of Ghost next to a Big Mac is funny. Imagine going up to the counter and being like “Yeah, a number one, medium, Diet Coke, two Sweet and Sour Sauces and Charlotte’s Web.” Also, I remember this commercial WORKED for me. I already owned Ghost and Wayne’s World so I remember going through this whole charade with my parents pretending I liked The Addams Family just so they could take me to McDonald’s to buy a movie that I didn’t like (I can’t believe I forgot to talk about that on The Addams Family podcast!). The McDonald’s ads were just so exciting to me that it didn’t matter what they were selling. I just needed to be part of the McDonald’s Holiday Film Festival. If they re-introduce it I promise to report from there with F This Movie! press credentials.

They Spared No Expense



I sit with my mouth agape at the marketing blitz that went out for the VHS release of Jurassic Park. It’s so epic the promo even needed its own end credits. Who is going to manage all of this? What was the aftermath? Were any babies conceived at the MTV Beach Parties promoting the JP VHS release? And did you see that 168 unit floor merchandiser with opening gates and lights??? I need to review MCA/Universal Home Video’s financial reports for 1994 and 1995 and learn how much retail revenue occurred! As a person with a degree in Marketing, this kind of thing makes me hard.

I Am One with the Special Editions. The Special Editions are One with Me.


Say what you want about the Star Wars special edition trilogy, but this trailer made them look amazing (I especially dig this trailer’s first 30 seconds). I remember seeing this play before Jingle All The Way at the Randhurst 16 back in November 1996 when the theater just opened and was the first I ever went to with stadium seating. The whole experience was magical. At that point, I had never seen the three original Star Wars films in their entirety and I was beside myself excited to see them on the big screen. I ended up watching them all for the first time (the entire way through) on USA about a week later (like you’re supposed to?). I’ll always remember the special excitement there was the night I went with my friends to see Star Wars: The Special Edition on Friday, January 31, 1997 at 9:45pm (because the 7pm show sold out..which added to the whole experience). We ended up chilling at the nearby Randhurst Mall for 2 hours as we waited for the late show; eating chicken teriyaki at Sarku Japan, going to the comic book store and Suncoast Video and talking Wars. Good times!

Got any cool clips to share? Leave them in the comments below.

Cinema Bestius: Star Wars

This is a difficult column to write, given the recent, sad passing of Carrie Fisher and Kenny Baker, and because how in the galaxy can we find something NEW to say about this movie?

#11 – Star Wars

Star Wars is the ultimate gee-whiz “kid’s adventure” film (NOTE: There is an “adventure” sub-genre often referred to in literature and film criticism as a “boy’s adventure” book or movie – I’m using “kid’s adventure” instead, NOT because Star Wars is a “kids’ movie,” but because it is 2017 and not 1917.)

No more iconic film has ever been made. The characters, dialogue, visuals, and score have been laser-etched into our collective consciousness. Star Wars’ sheer ubiquity, I feel, means that people sometimes devalue it as cinema; like Stonehenge, it simply IS. In fact, with prequels, sequels, side “stories,” and character-based spinoffs, Star Wars has practically become its own adventure sub-genre.

You already know about Star Wars. You already know how you feel about Star Wars as a franchise, you probably already know which Star Wars movie you like best, and you know which room in which to display your glass lamp full of vintage Star Wars action figures. (You don’t have a glass lamp full of vintage Star Wars action figures? Sorry, guess that’s just me.) So to make this column interesting to you, my beloved acolytes, I have wracked my brain (my Pope Pate) to find something NEW on which to focus.

In the spirit of the twelve year-old kid living inside of all of us, I would like to focus on this film’s wonderful and deeply satisfying onomatopoetics. Yes, Star Wars deserves its ranking as the Pope’s 11th favorite film if only for the way it SOUNDS. The Pope has previously weighed in on the awful changes visited on this film by its creator and the joys to be found in the “de-specialized” version, the only place where you can hear the original Oscar-winning sound mix.

Let’s revisit a few iconic Star Wars noises. Feel free to spray your laptop screen with spit as you try to vocalize along:

That “pew-pew-pew-pew” sound at the very beginning, when that big spaceship chases that little spaceship!

The ominous “khhhhhhhhh-khuuuuuh” of Darth Vader’s breathing, followed by James Earl Jones reciting his dialogue in the deep voice of a vengeful God!

That foghorn “A-hoog, gah-hroog” sound of the sand person fighting Luke!

The “hrummmmm, whoooosh, kkkrrrrrkkkrk!” of clashing light sabers!

That catchy ragtime/cocktail music playing in the Cantina! (This was actually a 1977 radio hit!)

Chewbacca’s expressive range of “hhhrrrarwhwrrraaaah” growls!

R2D2’s expressive range of “pweeeet-bliip-bbrrrr” beeps!

The “P-too, P-too, P-too” of blaster pistols firing!

Han Solo’s “Wah-hoo!” when he flies in at the end to help Luke!

That sound when the Rebels blowed up the Death Star, which I can’t even begin to try to write out! It sure blowed up real good and loud.

The “thunk” of a plastic toy hitting the rug as my son, then about three years old, stopped playing, looked up at the TV screen, and was so transfixed by what he saw that he literally dropped what he was doing. I don’t think he was merely responding to the cool ships and action of Star Wars; I have suspected that this was the moment he got hooked on movies. Such is the iconic power of this film.

The Pope could go on and on. Besides the perfect casting, the ground-breaking special effects, the adherence to Joseph Campbell’s “Hero” template, John Williams’ best score, and characters that generations of kids have identified with, this movie is so great (and we have all watched it so many times) that I would be happy just listening to it. I would rather LISTEN to Star Wars than WATCH many recent films. There, I said it.

Star Wars’ Three Miracles: Pew pew pew, Boom boom boom, and “Bum bum bum, bum-da bum, bum-da bum…”

In nomine Lucas, et Ben Burtt, y spiritu Flash Gordon, Amen.

Review: Rogue One

by Patrick Bromley

It's the first standalone Star Wars movie! If by "standalone" you mean "entirely dependent on another Star Wars movie."

Rogue One, the newest movie in Disney's current Star Wars model that will put out at least one film a year, alternating between "episodes" in the larger continuity and self-contained "side" stories, is in many ways a big experiment. It eschews the opening title crawl and John Williams' score, maybe the most iconic of all movie music. It is darker and grittier than any Star Wars movie that precedes it, focusing heavily on the "wars" part of the title. It is, to its great credit, the most diverse movie in the series; there is only one white face in the ensemble of heroes, and it belongs to a woman. It breaks from the tradition of the franchise in a number of ways, which is why it's too bad that it isn't willing to break even more. Rogue One makes A New Hope a better, richer movie but sacrifices itself in the process.

For those who have not yet seen the movie, I won't indulge in spoilers or really even divulge many of the plot details. Suffice it to say that the film takes place in the weeks prior to A New Hope, when the rebel alliance plans a secret mission to steal the plans for a new weapon the Empire is preparing called the Death Star. I think we all know how that works out.

I have spent the weekend reading reactions to Rogue One online, and they are overwhelmingly positive. I have read fans declare it is their new favorite Star Wars movie, or the best Star Wars movie since The Empire Strikes Back. People love this film. So I guess let me apologize up front for not sharing those views, since I know that between this being a Star Wars movie and the amount of affection people have expressed for the movie, I understand how a less-than-glowing reaction can feel personal in a way that puts us on the defensive. I have no intention or desire to shit on anyone's enjoyment of a new Star Wars movie. I am truly glad that people are loving this movie, and the comments I've read about inclusion and identification are legit moving. At the same time, I can only report my honest reactions. This is not, as the kids are fond of saying, a "hot take." This is just me saying that I did not love Rogue One.

I'll admit to having my doubts in director Gareth Edwards. He made an interesting debut with Monsters, prompting me to wishing to see what he could do with a real budget at his disposal. Then he got a real budget to make Godzilla and I realized some wishes shouldn't be granted. I don't think Edwards is what's wrong with Rogue One, though; he does a good job with shooting and balancing the action, and that's the stuff in the movie that works best. I can't say as I agree with his decision to once again drain the fun out of an iconic science fiction property, but that's just a question of taste. I like the cast and I'm all on board for the idea of a "men on a mission" ensemble entry in the series. And yes, this is that, but not in a way that I found particularly satisfying. Most of these actors don't have real characters to play -- they have costume designs and designations, but not characters. Donnie Yen, the biggest standout in the group whose first fight scene against a group of Stormtroopers is the action highlight of the movie, is blind. And spiritual. And that's it. He's actually better defined than some of the other characters, like Wen Jiang, whose defining trait is that he's Donnie Yen's friend, or Riz Ahmed, who is a pilot. Ben Mendelsohn is an incredible actor, but his Orson Krennic might be the worst villain the series has ever seen, again not because he's actively bad but because there's just hardly anything there (and what there is offers only echoes of previous better bad guys). Even the central character, Felicity Jones' Jyn Erso, feels mostly like a cipher -- another in a long tradition of Star Wars characters who defines herself in relation to who her parents are. She's tough and she's capable, but also a bit of a blank. It's hard to come off The Force Awakens, with its likable, realized characters that were the best thing about the movie, and accept the "types" that Rogue One offers.

The movie's pacing is also weird, with a first half that's handed over to a lot of "go there, do this" that amounts to pretty much nothing. The screenplay credited to Tony Gilroy and Chris Weitz (yikes) spins its wheels a whole bunch to seem busy, devoting a big chunk of the running time to a mission in which the characters have to locate another character so they can talk him into helping them find another character so he can help them do this other thing; not only are there at least two steps too many here, but it just fails to add up. No new information is offered, the characters don't change. There's time for some additional fan service -- something this movie really doesn't need any more of (are these supposed to be Easter Eggs for Star Wars fans inside the Star Wars movie?) -- but it isn't until the mission proper begins that the movie truly comes to life.

Here we get the biggest and longest action sequence in Star Wars history, one that takes place partly on the ground and partly in the sky (so it's a lot like the climactic sequence of Return of the Jedi, but don't mention that to the most die hard fans because you might as well be comparing to the prequels...which, this being a prequel, is also a little bit like). While our knowledge of the franchise means we all know how this battle will turn out, it is to Rogue One's credit that the sequence manages to still be engaging and exciting. It's also this stuff that makes those few lines of dialogue about the price paid to steal those plans in Star Wars carry much more weight, as this is the movie in which we really get to see the cost of the sacrifice made by so many. Does that work as a standalone movie? I'm not so sure, since we need to be familiar with Star Wars and how all of this pays off for the film to have the proper emotional impact. It ends on what is structured as a cliffhanger but really exists just to tee up Episode IV with more fan service, including another instance of some CGI on which Gareth Edwards leans heavily despite the fact that the technology is not there yet. While it is more successful in its goals than the entries that tell us about the Clone Wars or that time Anakin Skywalker met Obi Wan Kenobi, Rouge One still exists ultimately to fill in backstory rather than expand the world of Star Wars.

Maybe the biggest bummer of the reception to Rogue One is that it has already made it ok to shit on The Force Awakens, I guess because this movie is "darker" and "edgier" -- it's the Star Wars for cool kids -- or because this movie is carving out its own path by not including a Skywalker (even though it does) or by telling a standalone story (even though it doesn't). I don't insist that everyone like TFA and I know there were a lot of fans who never got into it, but if Disney's new model is going to mean a shelf life of only a year for each new entry in favor of the shiny latest, it's going to make being a Star Wars fan a pretty big bummer. And I know the two movies don't necessarily need to be compared, but I will mention that while TFA has bigger problems than anything in Rogue One, it also has much higher highs. The things that are good in The Force Awakens are transcendent, whether it's a character or a beat of behavior or a line of dialogue -- these are the things that remind us of what it was like to love the Star Wars universe in the first place. I don't know if it's because Rogue One is trying to be different or because Gareth Edwards just doesn't know how to give a movie personality, but the whole thing feels weirdly indifferent. It's never actively bad the way the prequels could be at their worst, nor does it ever achieve the heights of the best Star Wars movies. It just sort of...is.

I'm happy to see director Edwards continuing with the more grounded aesthetic that JJ Abrams brought back with The Force Awakens; like the original George Lucas trilogy, this entry takes place in a "lived-in" universe. I like how many practical props and locations he uses, and with the exception of a couple egregious choices -- you know the ones -- even the CG is terrific. K2SO, a new android voiced by Alan Tudyk, is an impressive creation and one of the film's best characters, always looking like he's really in the scene even when we know he isn't. I like the way Edwards frames the film, too. It isn't just that he does away with the wipes; there is less epic fantasy scope and more of a real-world immediacy to the shot construction, less informed by classical westerns than it is by contemporary combat movies. For me, the movie is just missing a kind of life -- characters or moments that pop or a spirit to the whole endeavor. Some kind of...force.

Again, I'm sorry for not enjoying Rogue One more. I don't like to be the buzzkill that comes to the party and spills all the drinks and ruins everyone's good time. I'd love to see it again and realize I completely missed the boat the first time, but there wasn't enough spark to make me actually want to revisit it. I'm glad so many people got a new Star Wars movie that they love, and I do think this is Gareth Edwards' best movie to date even though I think it's still just ok. If nothing else, the movie makes me hopeful that we will start seeing big-budget blockbusters with different faces and ethnicities outside of the Fast and Furious franchise -- movies that more closely resemble the world in which we live. But if this one-a-year installment really is going to be the new model for the Star Wars universe, I'm looking forward to stories that don't take place with characters and events and timelines with which we are already totally familiar. It's a big universe. I'm ready for Star Wars to start thinking bigger.

Heath Holland On...John Williams

by Heath Holland

Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you.

Some people are underappreciated in their time. Others are so appreciated that they are taken for granted in light of their unwavering creativity and steadfast work ethic and simply become part of the landscape. This is the case for my fandom of John Williams. I’ve long considered John Williams my favorite composer, which isn’t really a brave or exceptional choice because OF COURSE he’s my favorite. He’s a lot of people’s favorite, after all. He’s been cranking out memorable scores for decades and has been attached to some of the best movies of our lifetime. I’ve lived with some of his more memorable scores for almost as long as I’ve been alive, and they’ve just become a part of who I am. It’s not an overstatement to say that his music helped me form that relationship with film that allows me to feel and to empathize with what I’m seeing on screen. Music creates a shortcut between the brain and the heart, and Williams is the best there is at achieving this.

But what does any of that really MEAN? Things have been pretty rough recently, and I’ve been looking for comfort in the familiar and the nostalgic even more than I normally do, so this past week I found myself really leaning on the music of John Williams. I have a bunch of his soundtracks on my iPhone so I can listen to them whenever I want to, and I’ve taken unusual comfort and reassurance in his beautiful anthems this past week. Here’s what struck me all over again, perhaps in a way that never quite has before: John Williams is an amazing talent. No, I get it. Duh, right? But somehow, probably because I was so emotionally exhausted and worn out, the music spoke to me in ways that it hasn’t in a very long time. Between the notes of the scores of Williams lies hope and triumph and regality and defiance and, more important than all of these, BEAUTY. The music of John Williams is LIFE in orchestral form.

I’ll tell you a secret. I’m in my late thirties and I JUST watched E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the first time. I was prepared for the possibility that coming to it now, over three decades after its initial cultural impact, could only end in disappointment. Yet I had a visceral, emotional reaction to this movie, in part because Spielberg had such a close personal connection to the material, but also, and I believe mainly, because of the music of John Williams. By the time the final bombastic notes had blasted out of the speakers and the image cut to black, I was feeling everything this movie wanted me to feel. This is because of the power of music, and no one seems to have understood that and been more consistent in tapping into musical notes to draw out our inherent humanity than John Williams.

I think about the movies that John Williams has scored that have been of significance to me. The familiar worlds of the Star Wars saga and the classic adventure landscapes of Indiana Jones would be significantly diminished without John Williams. Harry Potter wouldn’t have his mystical wonder. Superman wouldn’t fly. Aliens from beyond our galaxy wouldn’t seem as benevolent and familiar. Our collective fear of sharks wouldn’t have two notes that everyone across the world knew. The little boy who was left home alone on Christmas wouldn’t feel like a member of our own family. The dinosaurs on the island wouldn’t feel both majestic and frightening at the same time, and those giant King Kong gates that open wouldn’t seem as impressive. An aged Peter Pan wouldn’t be able to rediscover his happy thoughts. Schindler’s mission and the plight of Private Ryan would feel more like history lessons and less like living, breathing human drama.

I can’t think of a single composer who has contributed as much to my life as John Williams. Part of this is because he frequently scores the films of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, and they make movies that everyone sees. However, it’s also because he really is a phenomenal talent; his understanding of human emotion is what makes him so good at what he does, and he can tap into a moment and make you feel exactly what the director is striving for in a way that seems effortless. I also appreciate the way that he is constantly revisiting and revising themes that he wrote years ago. Upon first watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens last December, I left the theater thinking that it was one of the least of Williams’ scores. I made up reasons for this in my head; he is much older now, and he might not have had the time needed to work properly. Cut to a year later and I’ve been living inside that soundtrack, which I actually consider to be the best Star Wars score of all seven. He’s able to play with themes he wrote almost forty years ago and give them new levels and nuances, undercutting triumph with doubt and adding hope to darkness. The theme he’s written for Rey is probably my favorite piece of John Williams music ever. It’s essentially a spaghetti western theme--complete with brass horns that evoke Spain and Italy--that Ennio Morricone could have written for Leone 50 years ago, but with the added benefit of the connection to emotion. During the end titles music, he couples Rey’s theme with The Force theme. It only happens once, but it’s the most heartbreaking, beautiful thing ever. It’s a meeting of two worlds that melds 2015 with 1977 to create something new. You can feel the weight of age, heartbreak, and hope between those notes. The end titles music ends gently with a quiet, almost angelic recitation of Luke Skywalker’s theme. Oscars aren’t enough for what this make evokes with his music.

The jazz-cat-turned-composer is in his eighties now, and I recognize that his contributions are nearing an end. Simple reasoning dictates that there will not be much more to come and that the John Williams catalog is nearing completion. It seems like we are losing our heroes faster that we can mourn them, and it is with this awareness that I remove my hat, stand to my feet, and offer a long ovation for the maestro of this concerto while he is still here among us to hear it. THANK YOU. Thank you, Mr. Williams, for writing the soundtrack to my life. Your music paints the world in beautiful shades of light and dark and rings with humanity and hope. I need that humanity and hope more now than I ever have.