Riske Business: Grab Bag Vol. 3

by Adam Riske

More random movie-related clips and memories.

Holiday Blues



When I was a young Jewish boy, I was always terrified to let on how much I liked Christmas. A commercial like this one was one of many tests of my faith. It was all good if I wanted Oliver & Company Happy Meal toys from McDonald’s, but when I saw that they ALSO had Oliver and Dodger Christmas ornaments I had to have them. Trouble is, I was too scared to tell my mom and dad because I thought they would feel like I was denouncing Judaism. McDonald’s wasn’t making it any fucking easier because in order to get the ornaments I needed to spend five weeks' allowance for a $5 book of McDonald’s gift certificates. So I never got the ornaments.

I Got a Power Glove in My Swag Bag



I love when movies used to give you some kind of giveaway as a sweetener for seeing them. For example, Gladiator (1992) had a soundtrack for everyone who went to see it. The first tchotchke bribe I remember was for The Wizard. I would have seen that movie just because it starred Fred “hot off Little Monsters” Savage and featured a preview of the then brand-new Super Mario Bros. 3 video game. So I went to the mall with my dad (because where else would The Wizard be playing?) and we went to see The Wizard. The guy selling tickets was like “Would you like a free Nintendo Pocket Power Magazine?” so my dad checks in with me and I turned into the old guy with the telescope in Armageddon and was all “GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK!” Not for real, but in my head I mean.

The Original Grindhouse



I was out-of-my-mind excited in 1990 when I heard that Disney was doing a DOUBLE FEATURE (with an intermission to boot) of their short The Prince and the Pauper followed by The Rescuers Down Under. It was a concept unlike anything I had ever seen. It felt special and going to see this double bill with my mom made my day. Disney movies sort of do this today, as each one is preceded by an animated short but the way The Prince and the Pauper/The Rescuers Down Under was marketed made it feel that much more special.

Training Day

Part One:



Lots to unpack. Let’s get started.

0:50 – I bet Mr. Harris is thrilled that his wife is telling any neighborhood teenager that he’s such a dullard.

1:26 – “Yo, Marie! Let’s wake up!”??? Like is she supposed to intuit that a disembodied upper-half is going to train her via a single in-store monitor? I don’t like where this is going.

2:25 – Don’t shame Marie, Buster Sales! Bon Jovi tickets are not an implicit promise of canoodling.

3:30 – It’s not Marie’s fault that a hot title like The Hunt for Red October is checked out, Mrs. Harris. Take it from a former Blockbuster Video employee (ME!), new releases are often checked out in the first two weeks of release. If anyone, blame your community.

3:48 – Who rents music videos? Take her through this slow, Marie. She’s not quick on the uptake.

4:35 – Sean Connery + Interest = More rentals and a happy customer. Got it! Also, More rentals and a happy customer – Interest = Sean Connery.

5:12 – Blockbuster mostly went out of business because the employees didn’t consult the pocket guide and commit the 50 biggest titles to memory. Sad!

5:40 – Things are pretty Boh-gus for Kristin. If Marie had it together, she should recommend Bogus with Whoopi Goldberg. It’ll be out in six years from when this video took place. It’ll be preceded by a marketing blitz so don’t worry, you won’t miss it.

6:27 – So Kristin’s rented that video five times. How bout not judgin’ your friend, Marie? Look how many videos she’s renting this visit. It’s turning into a Blockchanal! I thought she was babysitting? Shouldn’t she be watching the kids?

6:40 – Spike looooooves Star Trek. It’s like “he’s gotta have it.” #SpockLee

7:10 – “I’m coming to get you, Kristin” – Brad as he leaves the counter to show Kristin the Star Trek videos.

Part Two:



I know what you’re thinking. Am I good enough to work at Blockbuster Video? You are! Let’s begin part two:

0:05 – Oh no! We’ve got a five-alarm side-ler.

0:28 – Eww! He referred to himself as a movie buff. I hope he never finds Casino Royale.

0:55 – Can you imagine this guy at home watching Casino Royale and enjoying it? I can. He’s probably listening to “Goodbye Horses” on a loop and muting the movie.

1:15 – (Jump Scare!)

1:36 – Is that a Video Log or the Torah?

2:00 – Now it’s just flirting.

2:28 – Oh, that’s pleasant. Damn you Buster Sales!

3:00 – There’s nothing more fetching than a brunette mid-PVT tape realization.

4:25 – Customers aren’t people. They’re clues. Pitch ‘em. Then ditch’em.

4:35 – Marge Simpson? “Doug’s a nerd?” Assholes. Not the Buster Way.

4:55 – “Remember, Marie. Nerd-shame the customer!” – Buster Sales

5:15 – My husband’s $10 limit? This is why we march! I feel bad for Doug.

6:22 – Clean the VCR head every 20 hours or so? That seems excessive. Wake up. Eat. Go to work. Eat. Clean VCR. Sleep. Repeat. #IDidItMyWay

7:00 – Doug doesn’t seem so bad especially since Marie was fawning over Pink Panther guy earlier. I don’t like the way she barked “Saturday BEFORE MIDNIGHT!” at them.

7:55 – Joan’s got a shit attitude. She’d be better suited at Hollywood Video. And finally, good on Marie – she’s saw Brian and seized the opportunity!

There’s Somethin’ Happenin’ Here…



Aladdin was a pivotal movie during my childhood. It was the movie that, for some reason, broke the string of my parents taking me to see every Disney movie in theaters. Also, when Burger King was selling Aladdin cups, it was no longer a given that I would be getting one. It’s like… I was growing up or I was too old for them all of a sudden. I was 10 and this was the end of the innocence. This commercial was crazy sad for me because right off the top, Dan Cortese (aka the best of us) and the Burger King Kids Club are all raising their hands that they saw Aladdin AND went to BK to get the new Aladdin magic cup. BUT I DIDN’T DO EITHER. I had to wear a scarlet BK. Plus, it wasn’t a regular cup, you guys. It was a magic cup that changed color when you filled it up! Because I was suddenly a grown up, I guess, I was allowed to have a shrimp dinner basket at BK (with table service…remember when they had that for a short time?).

You Can Keep Your Precious Sundance!



I think it’s funny that McDonald’s sold videotapes (as part of their “Holiday Film Festival”) for many reasons. Just seeing a copy of Ghost next to a Big Mac is funny. Imagine going up to the counter and being like “Yeah, a number one, medium, Diet Coke, two Sweet and Sour Sauces and Charlotte’s Web.” Also, I remember this commercial WORKED for me. I already owned Ghost and Wayne’s World so I remember going through this whole charade with my parents pretending I liked The Addams Family just so they could take me to McDonald’s to buy a movie that I didn’t like (I can’t believe I forgot to talk about that on The Addams Family podcast!). The McDonald’s ads were just so exciting to me that it didn’t matter what they were selling. I just needed to be part of the McDonald’s Holiday Film Festival. If they re-introduce it I promise to report from there with F This Movie! press credentials.

They Spared No Expense



I sit with my mouth agape at the marketing blitz that went out for the VHS release of Jurassic Park. It’s so epic the promo even needed its own end credits. Who is going to manage all of this? What was the aftermath? Were any babies conceived at the MTV Beach Parties promoting the JP VHS release? And did you see that 168 unit floor merchandiser with opening gates and lights??? I need to review MCA/Universal Home Video’s financial reports for 1994 and 1995 and learn how much retail revenue occurred! As a person with a degree in Marketing, this kind of thing makes me hard.

I Am One with the Special Editions. The Special Editions are One with Me.


Say what you want about the Star Wars special edition trilogy, but this trailer made them look amazing (I especially dig this trailer’s first 30 seconds). I remember seeing this play before Jingle All The Way at the Randhurst 16 back in November 1996 when the theater just opened and was the first I ever went to with stadium seating. The whole experience was magical. At that point, I had never seen the three original Star Wars films in their entirety and I was beside myself excited to see them on the big screen. I ended up watching them all for the first time (the entire way through) on USA about a week later (like you’re supposed to?). I’ll always remember the special excitement there was the night I went with my friends to see Star Wars: The Special Edition on Friday, January 31, 1997 at 9:45pm (because the 7pm show sold out..which added to the whole experience). We ended up chilling at the nearby Randhurst Mall for 2 hours as we waited for the late show; eating chicken teriyaki at Sarku Japan, going to the comic book store and Suncoast Video and talking Wars. Good times!

Got any cool clips to share? Leave them in the comments below.

Riske Business: In Case You Missed Them (Holiday Movie Edition)

by Adam Riske

My take on a half dozen holiday releases still in theaters, ranked least favorite to favorite.

Assassin’s Creed – I’m not one of those people who cross their fingers hoping video game movies are good. I’m in the camp that looks forward to them being kind of bad, especially during this part of the year ( "prestige" season). It’s comforting at this point because it’s a genre that delivers the “goods” (“bads” may be more appropriate) with consistency. So for the first 30 minutes of Assassin’s Creed, I was sitting in the theater thinking “people are being too hard on this,” but then I gear-shifted and fell comfortably into the consensus. The movie gets more and more nonsensical as it progresses but not in a fun way; more in a dull way where you can’t even enjoy the movie on its own terms. Michael Fassbender cares and that sustained me for a while plus some of the 15th century Spain action set-pieces are interesting to look at (it’s a neat visual, the way they introduce you into that setting each time Fassbender’s character enters the virtual reality) but a parade of characters where you barely know their names, let alone character motivations, ultimately make Assassin’s Creed a slog.

Passengers – Like Assassin’s Creed, Passengers is a movie that starts intriguingly but falls apart by the ending. At the beginning, the movie is interesting because you’re exploring this transport vessel along with Chris Pratt, so there’s a sense of discovery. Plus, the production design of this ship is really something; it’s the best thing in the movie. The movie then shifts gears and focuses on the Pratt-Jennifer Lawrence relationship and it suffers a bit for a number of reasons I can’t get into without spoilers. Let’s just say it is problematic and pretty sexist, too. A lot of it has to do with portraying its sole female character as less than equal to her male counterpart and being more important to service a man’s needs/be witness to his “greatness” than have her own agency. After playing such strong characters in the past in movies like Winter’s Bone, Joy or The Hunger Games, I'm surprised Jennifer Lawrence chose to play somewhat of a thinly realized damsel in distress. By the third act, Passengers has a choice to explore the icky moral quandary it sets itself up with head-on or cop out and finish with an arbitrary action climax. It chooses the latter and nets out as a bad movie because of it. The movie is almost worth seeing, though, for Andy Garcia’s role. It’s incredible how brief it is.

Why Him? – This movie made me laugh just enough to not dislike it. Why Him? comes from director John Hamburg, who’s a veteran of a handful of Ben Stiller comedies and who previously directed I Love You, Man. Coincidentally, I caught I Love You, Man on cable again recently and I still really enjoy that movie. Why Him? is not as good, and I think a reason why is because it’s more set-piece driven and less about character interaction with smart writing and funny people delivering those lines. I’m not trying to bag on James Franco or Bryan Cranston (I like both in general and both in Why Him?), but they don’t have any special chemistry to make the movie memorable. It’s fine and disposable. It feels like a lot of Judd Apatow productions from a few years ago, where there’s some raunchy behavior, a lot of sweetness but ultimately the movie is easy to forget. This is a movie made to fill out a DVD 4-pack.

Hidden Figures – A movie I liked but wanted to enjoy a lot more. Hidden Figures has an amazing story to tell made more exceptional because it tells a…well… hidden story from history that is fascinating and should have gotten the press it deserved at the time. What’s disappointing is that the film tells that story in a very movie-ish way. At times Hidden Figures feels inauthentic (more certain shots than sequences) – too sanitized and sermonizing, like something you would produce with the intention of showing to middle school students on “movie day” (it’s rated PG and that doesn’t work to its benefit). Some characters feel like types instead of people. “Lesson” is underlined a lot in this movie. The best sequences are the ones with Taraji P. Henson at work in Kevin Costner’s managed think tank, because it goes into the most detail about the work and skill involved in some of the missions. This is a movie that does NASA a lot better than Civil Rights in my humble opinion. The performances carried me through, but I’d be remiss to not admit that I think I’m giving this movie more of a pass than I should because I’m sympathetic to its subject matter. Hidden Figures may be a victim of expectations for me more than anything else. If this came out in January without a lot of buzz, it would probably feel less disappointing. This time of year is weird anyways. If it’s an Oscar hopeful and it’s not at least really good, it somehow feels like a frustration.

Fences –Denzel Washington would get my vote for Best Actor of the year because he’s terrific in Fences and it features THE MOST acting. Dude acts his face off in Fences (as well as Viola Davis, who is almost always great except for Suicide Squad…that movie takes down everything), and as a moviegoer who enjoys watching acting maybe more than any other facet of the medium, this was a real treat. I’ve heard criticism that Washington doesn’t “open up” the movie Fences so it still feels stage-bound, but I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t get out to see live theater as much as I would like, so seeing something that’s more like a play was a unique experience for me which I enjoyed. If for no other reason, I appreciate Fences because it is my introduction to the writing of August Wilson (and probably is for a lot of people) and for that I feel fortunate. Fences is a tough movie, tougher than something like Manchester By the Sea imho, because it’s a much angrier movie and without all the gallows humor. It’s an experience that got under my skin, similar to how the Brad Pitt sequences in The Tree of Life are because they feel so authentic and suffocating. Despite the dialogue being poetic, the emotions and situations are messy and ugly, with lead characters that have the capacity to be much more than one single type.

A Monster Calls – This movie is a doozy and the reason I wanted to write this article, which is to shine a light on how good A Monster Calls is. I’m usually not one who’s easily taken in by creatures teaching children lessons in movies, but I found this movie so moving in a few ways. First, it’s a beautiful portrait about the bond between mothers and their children. Second, it deals with grief in an interesting way, because it’s about how disease affects the people around the afflicted. It’s a brave movie that acknowledges that our feelings and thoughts in these times can be murky and surprising, to the point where we feel we need to punish ourselves for daring to think them. The movie is also an amazing representation of how difficult it is to talk about grief and the isolation that comes from that (e.g. we don’t want to upset the person who is sick, we feel our feelings shouldn’t have equal weight to their well-being, we don’t know what to say, etc.) and how we need movies/stories/parables to help process how we’re feeling and find some measure of peace. I might be sounding so hyper-specific that it makes no sense to you reading this, but that’s just a residual effect of how much this movie hit me personally. A Monster Calls certainly would have been in my top 5 of 2016 had I seen it in time and it’s my exploding heart movie of the year. It really bums me out it’s not doing better in theaters due to how crowded the marketplace is right now. Go see it.

Have you seen any of these films? What were your thoughts?

Riske Business: My Top 10 Movies of 2016

by Adam Riske

Double the Gosling! Double the Pine! Double the Yelchin (RIP). Ugh! 2016 was fucked up. These were my top 10 movies of the year.

But first…

Honorable Mentions (in Blockbuster Video alphabetical order): 10 Cloverfield Lane, American Honey, Don’t Breathe, Don’t Think Twice, Fences, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Life Animated, Manchester By the Sea, The Witch, Zootopia

10. Star Trek Beyond –A joyous and often funny entry in the Star Trek franchise that does the 50th anniversary of the series proud. It feels like the antithesis of its predecessor, Star Trek Into Darkness, by allowing us to spend time with old (and new) characters we love without putting them through gritty plot mechanics. I love that the movie splinters the crew into pairings we don’t usually see, allowing for some fun and interesting dynamics. Justin “Family” Lin is such an inspired choice to direct, getting us back to the relationships that made JJ Abramss 2009 Star Trek such a special blockbuster. I also love that the movie takes a progressive (admittedly liberal) stance and doesn’t apologize for it. It has a point of view, a statement of what the Federation stands for, but it doesn’t feel like a lecture. The ending is beautiful. It earns its sentimentality and looks forward to an uncertain but hopeful future for the series (at least in this specific incarnation). If Lin’s Fast and Furious films were the blockbuster series of the Obama era (as I’ve heard it described), Star Trek Beyond might be the last gasp of that for a while. To me it’s a tonic.

9. Hell or High Water – Nothing flashy, just a solid story well-told. Hell or High Water feels almost like a throwback to early ‘90s thrillers such as One False Move, showing a mixture of heroes professionally doing their job and villains driven to the edge out of desperation. The movie is serious but not solemn and features some really unexpected and inspired moments of humor in Taylor Sheridan’s (Sicario) terrific screenplay. David Mackenzie crafts a smart and confident crime film given more weight by being set in one economically devastated town after another. The uniformly strong performances are lively and surprising from a cast of great actors perfectly (type) cast (at least in the case of Jeff Bridges and Ben Foster). But that’s okay when they are this good at what they do. They are charismatic enough to drive the plot instead of the other way around. So many thrillers these days are high-tech and, in a refreshing change of pace, Hell or High Water slows things down culminating in one of the best final scenes of the year – a macho pissing contest that wouldn’t be found in a more conventional film. It’s the best.

8. Kubo and the Two Strings – One of the most moving films of the year made all the more impressive because it doesn’t rest on the laurels of being a stunning technical achievement. On top of that accomplishment, the filmmakers (led by director Travis Knight and the rest of the supremely talented team at Laika) still took the time and care to inhabit their film with a resonant story and rich characters. I found Kubo so affecting because it’s a rare movie that posits that not everyone in your family may be out for your best interests, but the ones who are will live on in your heart (either in reality or through stories and memory) and never truly leave you. I loved Laika’s 2012 effort ParaNorman, but I think Kubo stands on top of their accomplishments now. For me it’s just about a perfect movie filled with maturity, beauty and sadness. I made the joke after I saw Kubo that I found more catharsis in it than 15 years of therapy. There is actually some truth to that. Kubo and the Two Strings reminded me of maybe my favorite Roger Ebert quote: “Self-help books are bullshit. Read a good book. That’ll help you.”

7. The Nice Guys – I’m more hit and miss on writer-director Shane Black than others, but with The Nice Guys he’s made my favorite of his films. It’s nice to see a movie that lives and breathes on its filmmaker’s voice. The Nice Guys is also pleasantly like a refute of another ‘70s set screwball caper, Inherent Vice, because unlike that film this one invites viewers along for the ride instead of keeping them at a self-amused impenetrable distance. The Nice Guys is great for many reasons, but what I most admire about it is that it’s intelligently dumb, with characters whose flaws are right out in the open allowing the comedy to be lively and with a measure of spontaneity. Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling (in my favorite performance of the year) share a terrific chemistry, one where they are so good together that they wring big laughs out of behavior as much as laugh lines. It’s both their acting and reacting that is funny. I love movies like this because it proves that any movie formula can still work depending on the skill in which it is done.

6. Sing Street – A touching music-filled drama with an amazing New Wave soundtrack, where the hits of Joe Jackson, Duran Duran and the fictional band Sing Street burst through the grayness of its bleak Ireland setting. Sing Street can be easily categorized as a “feel-good” movie, but I think there’s something deeper to it. Of course it champions always taking the chance at what makes you happy in life, but also it provides living examples (in the lead character’s brother and parents) of how not following through on your dreams can sooner or later erode your soul. The movie works primarily as a fable. It says we only live our lives once and that we sometimes might have to survive/leave our environment to take our first step toward our dreams. Not a groundbreaking message, but one worth repeating when it’s done as well as in Sing Street. I also appreciate how the movie’s central relationship is shown to be enriching creatively more so than romantically. I don’t think Conor (Ferdia Walsh-Peelo) and Raphina (Lucy Boynton) will last forever in love, but the music inspired by his crush on her is well worth the ups and downs.

5. Jackie – A riveting account of First Lady Jackie Kennedy and the days surrounding her husband John F. Kennedy’s assassination, Jackie captures (better than almost any other movie I think) the heightened yet dulled out-of-body experience that occurs when we’re trying to process a personal tragedy. In this case it’s even more outsized, since it’s on such a huge stage. This movie, the unnerving score by Mica Levi and the skillful performance of Natalie Portman as Jackie Kennedy are like a raw nerve. I was really impressed how the actress modulates scene to scene depending on which Jackie Kennedy persona is required. Jackie is thoughtful on the subject of grief (especially in the terrifically written scene between Portman and a priest played by John Hurt), legacy and the insulation we can give ourselves based on a personal narrative. Jackie Kennedy saw herself and her inner circle as ordained and royal and the immediate aftermath of John F. Kennedy’s assassination gave her (as depicted in the film) a crushing realization that everyone didn’t share her way of seeing things. Some of the most powerful cinema in 2016 was about the death of hope and progress, which is never without setbacks. Jackie was a prime example of how to make historical events feel once again personal and immediate.

4. O.J.: Made In America – This brilliant documentary made me more angry and sad than any other film this year. That’s not a slight, but a testament to its power. O.J.: Made in America tells the eerily prescient account of how we are all guilty of using abhorrent surrogates to exact revenge and then wash our hands of those representations to later absolve our personal guilt. Ezra Edelman’s documentary is amazingly edited together to show the parallel paths of the narcissistic O.J. Simpson and racially fueled events and mistreatment which made the former NFL star a valuable patsy and turned his murder trial into being about something other than what it was. Every story and sub-story of the event is given weight, from the mishandling of DNA evidence (by the police, the legal teams and the jury) to the marginalization and insensitivity shown to the murder victims (Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Lyle Goldman) to the culpability of the media for sensationalizing the event. Even worse, it was a precursor to the ugliness and exclusive/being-first reporting that continued with the Internet and has rotted the public discourse. This documentary shows a scary reminder that the post-truth/shout louder/about my feelings society was around long before 2016. It is history we’ve decided to all doom ourselves to repeat.

3. Green Room – This movie is a fucking shark. It’s an ominous terror machine and I love it. Jeremy Saulnier’s follow-up to Blue Ruin (which should have made my top 10 list in 2014 but, you know, Begin Again could not be denied #mistake) is one of the most nerve-wrecking moviegoing experiences I’ve ever had. The movie feels as punk rock as the fictional band of the film with its messy violence, cruelly efficient characters and seething anger. Green Room is also one of those movies that effortlessly blurs the line between its characters and the audience in that we’re wondering “what would I do” as the events transpire. The performances are uniformly excellent – Patrick Stewart is quietly measured and terrifyingly practical, Imogen Poots is a charismatic loose cannon and Anton Yelchin as the band’s (and the film’s) heart and soul. Yelchin had sensitivity to him as a performer, which makes for such an effective counterpoint to the madness surrounding all of Green Room. His screen persona unto itself makes this film more impactful. His passing is a tremendous loss to the movies and a reason why Green Room has been intimidating for me to revisit since my initial viewing back in April. However, with time, it will serve as a happier memory; one where I can see (and enjoy) an artist in his element a la Paul Walker in the Fast and Furious movies or Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight.

2. Moonlight – I would like this movie if for no other reason than it’s an anthology. The fact that Moonlight is so moving, sympathetic and romantic is why it’s a movie that I now can’t live without. One of the ways I appreciate Moonlight is to stand back and admire what it is not. It’s not a message movie or maudlin or insistent that you recognize its greatness with verbose monologues. Instead, it’s quiet and slowly draws you in with each third of the movie, gaining momentum and paying off what has come before it. Writer-director Barry Jenkins has put together a movie that is technically dazzling but never showy and a character study as carefully observed as some of my favorite movies, such as Dogfight or Saturday Night Fever. In a different but similar way, all three films share a narrative thread – it’s about a man finding the emotional fortitude to be himself in an environment that stunts or prevents that. The performances are amazing to a person and the sequence in that Miami diner between Kevin (Andre Holland) and Chiron (Trevante Rhodes) is my favorite movie moment of the year; it’s so spot-on about how healing pain from our past is essential to allow us to grow. It’s a movie that tells us that even if we’re embarrassed or fearful, that phone call/that gesture/reaching out can make a world of difference. The messages in Moonlight are universal regardless of race or sexual orientation; it’s about why we need to just be decent people to each other and help out when you see someone in need of relief.

1. La La Land – Damien Chazelle directed my favorite movie of 2014 (Whiplash) and he’s now made my favorite movie not only of this year, but since 2012 (Silver Linings Playbook). I could talk about how technically amazing La La Land is or how catchy the songs and score are, but what makes the movie so special for me is its joy. It’s a movie that falls firmly in the camp that movie stars (Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, who are fucking sublime) being movie stars are better than any special effect and that there are few things more delightful than a musical that works. La La Land exemplifies a big reason I go to the movies which is to be transported and to see things completely unlike my own life. I share little identification with Gosling or Stone’s characters in the movie and I don’t find any type of deep catharsis from their journey’s, but that “it’s just like my life” necessity (that seems to be on the rise recently) is so insignificant to the quality of something like La La Land in my opinion. It’s like Star Wars or Raiders of the Lost Ark or Pulp Fiction; it just sweeps you up for the ride and is a celebration of sheer movieness. In a year where I wanted to escape reality much of the time through the movies, La La Land is a gift.

Random Thoughts on 2017 Movies (January - February)

by Adam Riske

Plenty of Awards hopefuls getting their wide release, some garbage and a few other promising choices.

Note: I dog out a few of these movies, but don’t doubt that I will probably still see most of them. I’m like the guy who goes to see Why Him? and comments that the trailers before the movie look stupid. It’s like “dude, you’re there to see Why Him? EVERYTHING looks good to you!”

•  Life’s too short to see a movie starring both Greta Gerwig and Annette “Is that an Oscar? Can I hold it?” (Runs away) Bening. And why are there so many shots of people dancing in the trailer? WE GET IT! YOU’RE QUIRKY! #20thCenturyWomen

•  I’m down for Hidden Figures. The story doesn’t hook me necessarily but I’ll watch any movie with that cast (COSTNER! DUNST! HENSON! MONAE!). Why is Sheldon in this?

•  I’ve heard good things about A Monster Calls but I’m not sure I can handle a sick Felicity Jones. I mean, she just led a rebellion and this is the thanks she gets?

•  I will see any movie Martin Scorsese directs and you should too! #Silence

•  I’ve successfully gone from 2003 until now having never seen an Underworld movie. I will break that streak in 2017 with Underworld: Blood Wars and you will soon learn why.

•  I’m not sure why, but The Bye Bye Man having a PG-13 rating is really upsetting. I mean, if you’re going to make a movie called The Bye Bye Man and you’re expecting us to believe in a legend for a Bye Bye Man then fucking go for broke, kid!

•  I’ve heard Live By Night is the least successful of Ben Affleck’s directorial efforts. I’ll still see it, but I’m not surprised because Gone Baby Gone > The Town > Argo.

•  Why is Jane Levy in Monster Trucks? Was she nice on set at least?

•  I’m getting to the point where Adam Driver being in a movie makes me want to see it. Dude’s talented. #Paterson

•  I’ll probably see Patriots Day because Deepwater Horizon was surprisingly good, although I’ve read some reviews saying Patriots Day is in poor taste so I don’t know.

•  I’ve seen Sleepless already when it was called Waist Deep.

•  The Founder seems like an interesting movie. I eat a lot of McDonald’s, so I’m probably going to be on Michael Keaton’s side here.

•  Am I the only one left that gets really excited for new M. Night Shyamalan movies? #Split

•  I’m convinced Toni Erdmann only exists as a screener for critics.

•  xXx 3: The Return of Xander Cage is a movie I can only see with either Patrick and/or Mark.

•  I’m so down for The Red Turtle. Studio Ghibli gets me and it’s an excuse to drive down to the Music Box Theatre to see something.

•  I don’t even think Owen Wilson and Ed Helms want to see Bastards. And they star in it! Hasn’t the world passed this test already? We’re done with these guys. How many times do we have to prove it?

•  Ugh! A Dog’s Purpose. Two questions: Since Dennis Quaid is in this and in the trailer he throws a football, does that mean he’s playing Miami Sharks QB Cap Rooney again? Also, between this and The Space Between Us, do we need another movie where Britt Robertson falls in love in the heartland?

•  Gold doesn’t look that good, guys. And that’s all I have to say about that.

•  You’re pushing your luck, little man. #ResidentEvil:TheFinalChapter

•  There are a lot of bad movies coming out. #Rings

•  Same Kind of Different as Me has Greg Kinnear in it ,which is asking too much of this country.

•  I think it’s amusing how “Crazy in Love” has become the anthem of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise. That aside, I have very little interest in Fifty Shades Darker. Whatever pervy delights I was going to get out of the series I’ve surely obtained from the original, right?

•  Look. I like John Wick. I’m excited for John Wick: Chapter Two, but I have to admit that part of me is pretending to be more excited than I really am to fit in with my action loving peers.

•  The trailer for The Lego Batman Movie is funny but it’s kind of weird to me that they’re making a movie that is essentially a joke to begin with. Is it just going to be hitting that note over and over for 90 minutes?

•  A Cure for Wellness looks like one of those movies from the late ‘90s that cost $100 million dollars and makes $8 million at the box office. Who is this for? Dane DeHaan fans? Gore Verbinski completists?

•  Fist Fight is the type of movie where funny people get together, don’t make a funny movie and then talk about how they’re better than it on podcasts 5 years from now.

•  Back in the day, a movie called The Great Wall would have starred Matt Damon and been a drama for adults about China. Nowadays it’s about protecting China from monsters. G-D have we gotten dumb if Hollywood thinks this is what we want.

•  A United Kingdom looks well-intentioned. I will never ever see it.

•  I’m excited to see Get Out. The trailer is really strange and intriguing and I’m curious to see what kind of director Jordan Peele is like, considering he’s a big fan of horror.

•  What is Rock Dog? (Watches trailer) Oh, ok. Yeah, I don’t have kids so there is no reason for me to see Rock Dog.

Riske Business: Great Performances of 2016

by Adam Riske

Happy Holidays!

This week Patrick and I discussed some of our favorite performances from the movies of 2016.

Adam: My first pick is Gillian Jacobs in Don't Think Twice. I saw this movie twice and while I appreciated the movie less, I fell even more in love with Jacobs. She's always been great, whether it be on Community or Love, but here she gives a different and very interesting performance as an improviser who is happy with her lot in life and isn't the competitor some of her improviser teammates are. She has a scene late in the movie where she's giving a performance with Keegan Michael Key that is sad and uplifting at the same time. She's a really good actress and this movie shows she's equally adept at portraying a rich character as she is at making an audience laugh (especially when she’s imitating Katherine Hepburn).

Patrick: Gillian Jacobs is always the best. She's one of those actors that can make something better just by showing up. I love her most when she's flawed but principled, and Don't Think Twice finds her right in that zone. I don't know if this was a conscious choice in the editing room or just how the actual scenes shook out, but she's also the only one who really gets laughs during the improv sequences, of which there are many. I don't mind that her character wants to stick with it because it seems like she's the best one.

For my first pick, I'll go with John Goodman in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It's unfortunate that most big awards shows don't ever recognize genre films -- with the obvious exception of Deadpool, one of the best Musicals or Comedies released in 2016. And how about that Ryan Reynolds? Seriously, HFPA, you may as well have nominated him for Van Wilder. He's no better or worse in either movie. But John Goodman is, like Gillian Jacobs, an actor who improves every project by presence alone, and his performance in 10 Cloverfield Lane is one of the very best I've ever seen him give. He's not just scary -- he's believable scary, and the scene (no spoilers) in which he appears "cleaned up" is one of the most chilling and disturbing moments in a movie that's full of them. All three actors are good; they have to be for the movie to be as good as it is. But I think John Goodman achieves greatness.

Adam: Goodman is.....good.....man....(I'm so sorry) in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It's nice to see him get a co-lead, which he only seems to get one out of every 10 movies he does. The thing I like about him is that all of his characters feel like they've had a life before we catch up with them. He always feels like he's for real and not performing.

My next pick stays on the girls tip (again I'm so sorry..I'm having trouble with transition phrases right now). It's Dylan Gelula in First Girl I Loved. You're probably all "Gehula in the Whata?" right now, so let me explain. This was a movie I saw on closing night of the Chicago Critics Film Festival this year (it's on Amazon Instant Video right now) and I was really blown away by her performance and the movie (more her performance...the movie is one of those "I'm blown away by this" and then you never think about it again type of movies). It's a love story about a high school girl (Gelula) who is in a love triangle with that Deadpool teenager superhero girl and some ponytail John Turturro looking kid. Complications ensue and Gelula's character goes on this sweet trajectory of trying to figure out if she's gay or just curious. The movie follows her lead and is pretty sensitive and also smart, depicting teenagers in a realistic way where they're thorny but still endearing, likable people (unlike that jerk face Halee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen, who is the worst kind of person). You should see First Girl I Loved. Gelula's really good in it, though.

Patrick: I'm going to watch it right away! I love a good coming of age movie and I was sorry to have missed it at CCFF.

Speaking of good coming of age movies, I want to single out Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen, a movie I know underwhelmed you but which I thought was a really, really good character study of a teenage girl who felt real in every single way. There's no gimmick, no major crisis being faced, just a young woman who has a hard time seeing outside of herself and her own problems. I thought a whole lot about Juno during Edge of Seventeen, probably because both movies are about teenage girls who are a little too smart for the room and can't help but remind people of that. I thought Hailee Steinfeld was every bit as good as Ellen Page was in Juno, but both Page and that movie got nominated for Oscars and almost no one is talking about Steinfeld or Edge of Seventeen. That's a bummer. This is the best role and the best performance she's given since showing such promise in True Grit. She's so good that I can almost forgive that terrible song she has out right now. Almost.

Adam: Well I walked into that landmine, didn't I? I'll say this. She is very good at playing a disagreeable character. That song's not bad! I think I like that song (“Starving”) more than I like the movie actually.

Patrick: If you're serious about liking that song more than the movie, you, sir, are some kind of monster.

Adam: I do like the song more than the movie. Keep in mind, though, this is from a guy who is currently drinking Root Beer Schnapps straight from the bottle. My taste aren't very refined.

My next choice is a boy performance. It's Alden Ehrenreich in Hail, Caesar! I saw this actor for the first time in Tetro years back (he's really good in it) and then he kind of disappeared for a number of years popping up in a cameo in Somewhere and a supporting role in Stoker, but Hail, Ceasar! was cool to see because he delivers on the promise of that earlier performance. It's the type of role/performance that makes you really understand a different side of an actor (because he's so funny and likable as opposed to the usual 20-something brooding) and makes you excited to see him in future roles. I also liked him in Rules Don't Apply (shout out to Lily Collins, too, who is really good in the movie as well, better than she's ever been in anything else). Too bad in that movie the director steps in mid-way through and decides we need him more than anything and jettisons everything that was previously working about his film.

Patrick: Loved Alden Ehrenreich in that movie! Don't love typing his name. But he achieved the very difficult task in that movie of a) standing out most among one of the best ensemble casts of the year and b) making a very "simple" character sweet and three dimensional and gave him agency without ever condescending to the role. I can't wait for that movie to be reassessed and appreciated in about five years.

I'll once again piggyback off your choice and name Chase Williamson in Beyond the Gates as one of my favorite performances of the year. I've gone on and on about the movie since seeing it over the summer and I know it's not everyone's bag, but Chase Williamson is so good at finding a new way to play the fuckup brother. I rewatched the movie recently and was so taken with his ever delivery and reaction -- he's sweet and big-hearted when another actor would have played him as self-conscious and resentful. He has a goofy optimism that's super rare in horror movies.

Adam: I so want to like Beyond the Gates as much as you do. I'll give it another shot. I have watched the commercial Jackson Stewart shot for the board game about five times and love that. I may have just been in a mood that day. Or I'm a monster. We'll only know for sure from a blood test.

My next pick is twofer - Trevante Rhodes and Andre Holland from the last third of Moonlight. This is a movie with great performances across the board, but I'm sort of surprised that the largest share of praise is going to Naomie Harris and Mahershala Ali. Though both of those actors are very good in the movie, it's Rhodes and Holland who are the most enduring memories I have from it. Their interplay is so reserved and emotional on a subtextual level that it maybe is easier to overlook. I love how romantic Holland plays that scene in the diner. It's the most romantic depiction I've ever seen on film of a relationship between two men and Rhodes is just out of this world as the adult Chiron. He's built like a brick wall but you can tell by his body language that he'll shatter from just the slightest gesture.

Patrick: I was so distracted by how much Trevante Rhodes looks like 50 Cent. Like, Andre Holland is hard at work making the Chef's Special and Trevante Rhodes is just thinking about taking him to the Candy Shop, where I assume he'll let him lick his lollipop.

Also, I am not trivializing their love. I'm just quoting 50 Cent lyrics because if I don't we are doomed to repeat history.

Adam: I take it Moonlight didn't do much for you, then? At least you've upgraded to 50 Cent blowjob jokes. They're 10 times better than your Nickelback blowjob material.

Patrick: I like Moonlight a lot! It's really good. Never let a stupid blowjob joke be the barometer of my feelings about anything.

Adam: That should be a Hallmark card.

Patrick: My next pick is Susan Sarandon in The Meddler, a movie I don't think a lot of people saw and even fewer people remember. I get it. The movie feels slight and Susan Sarandon has been doing good work for so many years that it's easy to overlook her when she's good in yet another thing. But she's seriously SO GOOD in The Meddler, a movie that's insanely sweet and touching and warm and funny. She takes a character who could have so easily been played as a sitcom nag and makes her into someone real and human. Plus, she loves going to see action movies so she might as well just let me marry her and now it's your turn.

Adam: I haven't seen The Meddler because there are too many movies. Also, I have a weird thing with that movie now because a couple (in their 50s maybe) told me that I might not like it because it's meant for "older people." So I'm going to wait for my hospice marathon to watch it.

My next pick is Sofia Boutella in Star Trek Beyond. The character and her performance add a great amount of humor and energy to the middle of the movie and I think starting with her appearance the film itself goes from "this is fun" to "wow, this is kinda special." "I like the loud beats and shouting" will always be funny.

Patrick: Love Sofia Boutella in STB. She's so fun and creates a character whose arc kind of becomes the centerpiece of the film. I really hope that, based on where it's left with her, she's back in a Starfleet uniform for the next installment (assuming there is a next installment). She kicks ass in that movie.

My next pick is probably a no-brainer, but I don't know if anyone had a better year than Ryan Gosling. I know he's always good in everything, but he's usually an actor I can appreciate or admire (though not as much as my wife) but never really love (never as much as my wife). Between his work in The Nice Guys and La La Land, Baby Goose is the king of 2016. He sings, he dances, he has expert comic timing. Maybe more directors will see how light and funny and charming he is when he's allowed to be light and funny and charming and not always rely on him to be dark and brooding and intense.

Adam: I'm glad you picked Ryan Gosling, because he was on my list as well for The Nice Guys. His performance in The Nice Guys is amazing in two ways to me: 1) He perfectly captures "my ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass" and 2) He reaches a level (probably right around "No kid, we don’t want to see your dick.") where everything he does is funny...his mannerisms, his dialogue, his cadences, everything. I just saw La La Land this week and agree with everything you said there as well.

My next pick is Ethan Hawke in Born to Be Blue. It's a very good movie, but sort of the usual biopic; however, Ethan Hawke is more into the character than he usually is. I love this guy's work, but my last sentence means that he feels like Chet Baker in Born to Be Blue, whereas when I enjoy his work in other movies it's because I like Ethan Hawke as a movie star persona. He and Carmen Ejogo (who I thought would have been bigger after Metro) have really good chemistry together and he really is able to get across how this addict (in Baker) was so appealing to his peers. He's a decent guy but just one with a lot of problems.

Patrick: I haven't seen Born to Be Blue because I assumed it was the next Smurfs movie. I know you're a fan, though, so I will definitely check it out. Maybe during my 24 Hours of Jazz musician biopic marathon.

I'm picking an actor from a movie I don't think you've seen yet, but not just to get even for that whole Born to Be Blue thing. We're past that. I'm going with Samantha Robinson in The Love Witch. She's not an actor who was on my radar prior to this, but she's so, so good giving a very specifically pitched performance that's reminiscent of an early '70s exploitation or Hammer movie but at the same time being completely sincere. I don't want to say that the movie lives or dies based on her performance because it has a lot of other things going for it, but I think that if Robinson wasn't as good as she is the movie wouldn't work nearly as well as it does. What she does is really, really hard.

Adam: I'm really looking forward to The Love Witch. I wish it was available where I could watch it this month but I'm going to have to wait until its home release next year. I love the trailer. Whatever Robinson is doing, it works for me.

My next pick is kind of a lifetime achievement award/time served acknowledgment and that's for Kristin Stewart in Café Society. Her performance in the movie doesn't transcend other KStew performances, but her work in Café Society singlehandedly saves that movie because she has a certain heft to her that I think her co-creators are lacking. I really admire her because she takes interesting roles and is, more often than not, the best thing in the movies she's in. I also want to call it time served, because she is like the Jesse Eisenberg whisperer. He raises his game in movies she's in with him and case in point is Café Society. He's doing his Woody Allen schtick for the first 20 or 30 minutes and its insufferable and then Stewart walks in as if to say "cut that shit out and just play the scene" and it gets better. She did this in American Ultra, too.

Patrick: It bums me out when I see K-Stew be really good in something (like Adventureland or The Runaways) and then see her shit the bed in some high profile movie or seem miserable in an interview and get the reputation for being dead inside and talentless. She is not.

My next pick is a performance in a movie that no one saw and even I wasn't that crazy about: Mark Proksch in Another Evil. It's a microbudget/mumblecore horror comedy in which he plays an exorcist hired to get rid of the ghost living in Steve Zissis' house. The movie is never scary and only rarely funny, but Proksch gives one of those performances that is so original, so unlike the countless other versions we've seen of this same character (a variation on Chip in The Cable Guy -- the sad-sack loser who clings too tightly to a new friend), that I strongly recommend seeing Another Evil just to enjoy the work he does. Anything about the movie that works only works because of him.

Adam: Glad to hear your recommendation of Another Evil. I've had a couple of opportunities to see it but I've talked myself out of it thus far because people were saying I wasn't missing anything. Unlike Captain Fantastic, I'll give it a shot one of these days.

My last pick is one I just saw this week and I'm on cloud nine about it. It's Emma Stone in La La Land. Stone is always an actress I've enjoyed watching in movies. She's funny, likable, pretty, etc., but in La La Land it was seeing an actress kill it in a role that's perfectly suited for her. I made a comment on Twitter that one of the best things about La La Land is that it is a movie that lets us enjoy movie stars being movie stars. One thing that annoys me about movies today is that many of them are concept driven and not star driven. When you look back on decades past and see the caliber of movie star it puts the modern era (ERA!) to shame. And I think Emma Stone is La La Land takes a little bit of that back.

Patrick: Emma Stone is good in everything, but it's nice to see all of her talent truly put to use in La La Land. Her performance of "Audition" is really the emotional centerpiece of the whole movie and she kills it. Isn't that the same thing the Academy gave Anne Hathaway an Oscar for a few years ago? I don't imagine they'll be doing the same for E-Stone.

Adam: That would be a shame. We should give Emma Stone an Oscar just to say thank you for being Emma Stone.

Patrick: For me, Rebecca Hall gave the performance of the year in Christine, but I'm trying to highlight performances that probably won't get real awards consideration and I have to believe she will. So my last pick will be Lauren Ashley Carter in Darling. I understand why some people don't dig the movie because it is so much like Polanski's Repulsion, but I still really like it and Carter's performance is a big part of it. It's one of these movies that really hangs on the star's work, and her enormous eyes and increasingly undone state paint a picture of a girl who's already broken but waiting to shatter. Darling shows her shatter. This is the best performance I've seen LAC give yet, which is no small feat because I'm pretty sure she's in about half of the indie horror movies that come out.

Adam: I’m intimidated of Christine based on its subject matter. Glad to hear Rebecca Hall is good in it though. She’s a very good actress. Pretty underrated, too.

Some other performances I enjoyed a lot in 2016: Sam Neill in Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Shia LeBeouf in American Honey, Michael Shannon in Nocturnal Animals, Dan Fogler in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, John Travolta (and Jumpy the Dog) in In a Valley of Violence, Natalie Portman in Jackie, Emilia Clarke in Me Before You, AnnaLynne McCord in Trash Fire and Kathryn Hahn in Bad Moms.

Patrick: I second a number of your "other" picks, and I'll add Abigail Hardingham in Nina Forever, Ralph Ineson in The Witch, Lauren Cohan in The Boy, Jeff Bridges in Hell or High Water, Devin Kelley in Swept Under, Isabelle Huppert in Elle, Do Won Kwak in The Wailing, Jenny Slate in My Blind Brother and Joshy, Sally Field in Hello My Name is Doris...I'm sure there are way more but I can't think of them.

Is there a performance we missed that you want to get some attention? Let us know in the comments.

Riske Business: The 2016 Binness Awards

by Adam Riske

I sure hope 2017 is better.

Allows Me to Still Defend John Travolta: In a Valley of Violence

Angriest I Got During a Movie: Dirty Grandpa, The Lobster, High Rise, Sausage Party

Animation That Touches Your Head: Zootopia

Animation That Touches Your Heart: Kubo and the Two Strings

Best Audience Experience: Don’t Breathe

Best Performance in a Movie Not Enough People Saw: Ethan Hawke, Born to Be Blue

Best Performance in a Movie That You’re Fine if You Never See: Jonah Hill, War Dogs

Best Song: “Drive It Like You Stole It” from Sing Street

Best Supporting Actor in a Movie I Liked: John Goodman, 10 Cloverfield Lane

Best Supporting Actor in a Movie I Liked Much Much Less: Dan Fogler, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Biggest Disappointments: 31, Blair Witch, Keanu

Biggest Waste of Pop Culture Calories: Ghostbusters (2016)

Decent: The Conjuring 2, Hacksaw Ridge, Snowden

Deserved a Better Fate than it Got: The BFG

Does Everything Right: Green Room

Does this Count for a Top Ten List? It Rules: O.J.: Made in America

Funniest Movie: Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Funniest Performance: Ryan Gosling, The Nice Guys

Funniest Scene: “What don’t you want?” in Hell or High Water

Give Me a Break: Lo and Behold: Reveries of a Connected World

Good but Not Great for Me: Manchester By the Sea

Good Except for the First Few Minutes Which are Unforgivable: Joshy

I Can’t Believe I Actually Saw… Alice Through the Looking Glass, Now You See Me 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

I Dunno…I Liked The Songs??? Is that Good Enough?: Moana

I Had a Happy Childhood so I Don’t Need: Pete’s Dragon (2016)

I Loved it and then I Calmed Down: Don’t Think Twice, Finding Dory

I Mean…I Guess… The Handmaiden, Morris From America

Indies to Seek Out: First Girl I Loved, I Am Not a Serial Killer

I Only Remember the Airport Scene: Captain America: Civil War

It’s Fine: De Palma, Emelie, Hush, Jason Bourne, The Program, Raiders!: The Story of the Greatest Fan Film Ever Made, Southside with You

It’s Good but I Don’t Really Know Why: The Fits

I Wished I Liked it More: Everybody Wants Some!!

Just Didn’t Do It for Me…I Don’t Feel Bad: The Neon Demon

Just Didn’t Do It for Me…I Feel Bad: Beyond the Gates

Kevin Hart is Bad: Central Intelligence

Kevin Hart is Really Bad: Kevin Hart: What Now?

Kevin Hart is the Worst: Ride Along 2

Like Trying to Read a Book Written in Portuguese When You Don’t Know the Language or How to Read in General: Warcraft

Maybe Jeff Nichols Isn’t Awesome? Loving, Midnight Special

Meanest Movie (But Good): Nocturnal Animals

Meh: Arrival, Barbershop: Back in Business, The Edge of Seventeen, The Finest Hours, Into the Forest, Lights Out, Morgan, Southbound

Most Romantic: Moonlight

Movie I Liked a Little More Because Jan Likes it: The Shallows

Movies I Like More than Anyone Else: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, Nerve, Wiener-Dog

Movies that Hate You: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad

Movie that Starts Fine and then Falls Off a Cliff: Rules Don’t Apply

Nope: Abattoir, The Boy, The Forest, My Blind Brother, The Magnificent Seven (2016), Mechanic: Resurrection, Office Christmas Party, Pet

Not Yet Released Indies to Seek Out: The Blackcoat’s Daughter, The Other Half, War on Everyone

Performance that Made a Meh Movie Good: Kristen Stewart, Café Society

Pleasant Surprises: Bad Moms, Deadpool, Deepwater Horizon, How to Be Single, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, Weiner

PTSD From My Own Life Experience: Goat

Reminded Me Alden Ehrenreich was Also Really Good in Tetro: Hail, Caesar!

Scariest Children: Those twins in The Witch

Scummiest Movie: Triple 9

Scariest Movie: Trash Fire

“Shocking” Movie that’s Not Shocking at All: Tickled

So Bad it Becomes Funny: Bleed for This, The Girl on the Train, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

So Bad it Becomes Insulting: The Accountant

So Much Better than it Had Any Right to Be: Ouija: Origin of Evil

So Much Fun: Star Trek Beyond

Stab Me in the Fucking Scrotum: X-Men: Apocalypse

Starts Out Good and Then Decides to Kill Itself: Me Before You

Sweetest Movie: Life, Animated

These are Getting Better: The Purge: Election Year

Tom Hanks Movie Power Rankings: 1) A Hologram for the King 2) Sully 3) Inferno

Walkouts: Demolition, Hardcore Henry, Jane Got a Gun, The Legend of Tarzan, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Whatever: Doctor Strange, The Jungle Book, Swiss Army Man

Why is Everyone Wowed by the Last Shot of this Movie? It’s Implausible!: The Invitation

Wished I Liked it More than I Did Because it’s Heart is in the Right Place: Yoga Hosers

Worst CGI: Independence Day: Resurgence

Would Have Been an Oscar Contender in 1998: Money Monster

WTF: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Riske Business: Seeing Movies in Empty (or Near-Empty) Theaters

by Adam Riske

Going to the movies is a communal experience. When it’s a solitary one, sadness follows.

• I saw Sully at a Thursday night show at 10pm. The only people in the theater were myself and a man who made a lot of noise fishing around a plastic bag. I’m presuming he brought candy or something with him. At one point, he exclaimed “YES!” when something stirring happened in the movie. It wasn’t really loud, but when you’re in a theater of two you can really hear anything. My experience seeing Sully made me think about my own life and how I’m probably only a few years away from myself shouting in the dark without some drastic life changes. I thought about the girlfriends I turned away in my 20s and how even if they wouldn’t have worked out, I could have had one or two divorces under my belt by now. In the end, I don’t care how many souls Sully saved because he didn’t save mine.

• I went to a theater with assigned seating on a Thursday night to see Inferno. The movie had been out for a few weeks so it wasn’t very crowded. It also wasn’t crowded because it was Inferno. When I got into the auditorium about 15 minutes early, it was empty. Then as the previews started, a smattering of people started to come in. Two of them sat in the same row as me with just a one seat buffer. The rest of the theater was hundreds of empty seats. So, I ask, why did they decide they wanted to sit so close to me when they could have had more personal space? Did they just not look closely at the seating chart? Were they swingers looking to add a third party?

• I was the one person in America that saw Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk. I was there opening day for a 10am show and showed up around 9:40am. The theater did not open its doors yet, so I was standing out front waiting for someone to let me in. That’s always depressing. It feels like you’re a drug addict and you’re waiting outside to get your fix. I get in the theater and notice I’m the only person there to see this movie. As 10am rolls around, a greeter enters the auditorium. You see, I was at a chain where before every show a theater employee comes in and does announcements. The greeter says “Good morning” which I said back to him. Then he goes “Welcome to Billy Long’s Halftime Walk.” After that, he mentions that even though I’m the only one in the theater I should please refrain from using my cell phone in case anyone else comes in during the previews. I chuckled because I thought he was kidding. He was not kidding. He also told me that I am free to walk around the lobby to see what other movies are playing and that the bar is open if I wanted to get a drink (it was 10am so I did not go to the bar). He closed by saying “Enjoy Joe Lynn’s Halftime Walk.” The movie that followed was weird too. So maybe the greeting was an appropriate primer for things to come.

• I was also the only person in the theater when I saw Rules Don’t Apply. Being the only person in a movie theater has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages are obvious but the disadvantages are as follows:

1) You’ll need to make some noise, e.g. clearing your throat or something to effect. It’s eerily quiet. It’s similar to how if you’re at home alone all day and you notice you haven’t spoken and you force yourself to say “French Bread Pizza” or something equally ridiculous just to have something to say out loud.

2) There is nothing scarier than being in a movie theater by yourself and having someone else walk in mid-way through the film. Your mind immediately goes to “how do I protect myself if they try to kill me?”

3) During the 1st half of a movie by yourself it’s fun, like being in your own version of Home Alone. But then around the midway point I, at least, feel sad and just want to go home. I teared up at the end of Rules Don’t Apply and not because of anything in the movie. It was as the credits rolled and Lilly Collins sang the title song from the movie. It’s so melancholy that it made me (again) reflect on my own life. Do the rules not apply to me? Am I a special snowflake? Where are my cyanide capsules? It was all very sad.

In closing, if you’re the only one in the theater, just turn around and see something else or get a refund. Otherwise, you’ll need to get an ice cream on the way home to chase away the sads.

Riske Business: Jack Reacher: Never Go Back and Its Obsession with Eating

by Adam Riske

This is insane and needs to be reported.

• Jack Reacher: Never Go Back opens with Tom Cruise at a diner. There is no reason this scene has to take place at a diner.

• Jack Reacher enters the story because he is taking a trip to Washington D.C. to go out to dinner with Cobie Smulders. Economical, sure, but you might want to find more motivation for your title character to go on a mission.

• In a first act chase sequence, Tom Cruise and Cobie Smulders run to a food truck to evade authorities. The words “food truck” are said multiple times including “Run to the food truck!” and “They’re on the food truck!” It’s just stupid.

• Tom Cruise and Cobie Smulders pick up a runaway, who might also be Reacher’s illegitimate daughter (don’t ask) and while rushing from a crime scene they drive to a food stand because “she needs to eat something.”

You haven't seen me very hungry.

• While staying at a motel (there are so many motels and hotels in this movie), Tom Cruise picks up dinner for himself and the two women.

• The climax of the movie is set in New Orleans. Smulders checks the three into a hotel using cash instead of credit cards to avoid being traced. The following morning, Cruise and Smulders are on the case but not before commenting that they need to get breakfast for the runaway girl.

• The runaway calls room service to order dinner. This leads to -- no joke -- 30 seconds of listening to a hotel operator telling the Runaway Reacher (?) that she can’t order room service because they don’t have a credit card on file. BECAUSE NO HOTEL HAS EVER TAKEN CASH FOR ROOM SERVICE. Dumdum says “no problem, here’s a credit card number” and the three heroes are traced to New Orleans by shady government contractors.

• In the denouement, two characters say goodbye to each other in another diner. As a ticket buyer for their movie, I invite any of the filmmakers or cast of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back to comment to this article and explain why there’s so much attention paid to food in their new film.

Note: Sorry for the brevity and silliness of this week’s article, but I am among those grieving a great loss this week and I don’t have the words. Be good to one another. #SafetyPin

Riske Business: What's Going on With Movie Theaters?

by Adam Riske

I used to love going the movies. I’m not sure that I do now.

For years, movie theater chains have been trying to figure out how to please their customer base. With an addition here and an addition there, theaters have become almost unrecognizable compared to just ten years ago. It’s my opinion that they’ve gotten much worse, and not for reasons like rising ticket prices or chatty moviegoers. It’s gotten to the point where it takes actual effort to seek out and find a “missionary” (i.e. normal) presentation of a movie. And that sucks.

Last week I went to my neighborhood theater to see Ouija: Origin of Evil. I hadn’t been to that theater in two months and I had heard they went through some refurbishments. I was curious, so I walked over for a movie. The theater has been one of those dine-in places for years, and while I was not a fan of it initially, I’ve grown used to it over time. As I headed into the auditorium, I noticed a sign near the door that said that to purchase food I should now go to the concession stand. No big deal, so I did. They had a dinner menu in addition to concessions, so I ordered a burger. Keep in mind I came about 20 minutes before my movie started. They gave me my drink when I paid, but for my burger I got a pager that would go off when my food was ready. They instructed me that when my pager went off I should go to the lobby and someone would walk over and bring me my food. I thought that was weird, but ok. My pager then goes off five minutes after the actual movie starts (not the previews) and I had to miss part of my movie as a result. Plus, the pager lit up like a Lite Brite and started audibly buzzing while in the darkened theater. I felt terrible. That’s so distracting for anyone around me.

My point with this story is that in the interests of innovation I think theaters are tone deaf to moviegoers' convenience. The food service is an annoyance, especially when you have to pay a bill during the third act of a film. But it’s not just that. There’s reserved seating (which people can’t seem to figure out despite there being reserved seating at things like airplanes, concerts, sporting events etc. for decades), 3D, IMAX, D-Box and so on and so forth. About the only addition I like are the recliners. It’s just getting to be too much. I’m exhausted when I even think about going to a movie these days. I still do, but I’ve noticed not as often anymore.

One more story, and this is more a personal gripe than anything. Have you noticed that every AMC Theaters location is beginning to look the exact same way? There used to be some variance, but now it’s become this mass homogenization. Everything’s red and the theaters are in these weird cube looking things that only seat a few dozen people instead of hundreds like before when it was stadium seating. It’s not the end of the world, but it doesn’t feel like a movie theater anymore. It’s more like being in a gumball machine. This all seemed to start when AMC introduced those talking AMC Amazing dots during their pre-show. I’m now realizing that was when they stormed the beach. Now they’ve won the war. We’re full dot.

I’m aware this column is coming across as Make Movie Theaters Great Again, but it’s a festering feeling I’ve had that I felt like writing about. I miss that movie theaters individually used to have personality, from their décor to their curation. Now every movie theater plays the same ten movies and they all are beginning to look the same. As a frequent moviegoer, that’s a bummer. It’s like if all of a sudden radio stations decided only to play today’s pop hits. And don’t get me started on so-called indie theaters. Most of the time they play mainstream films in half of their auditoriums and keep true indies for about a week, virtually giving them no shot to break out via word of mouth. Shit just is real corporate and that bums me out. What’s the point of having a movie theater if you’ve “improved” it to the point where people who love movies don’t want to go there anymore? I’m sure I’m not alone in this feeling.

Am I crazy or has going to the movies gotten a lot worse?

Riske Business: Random Thoughts About 2016 Movies (November-December)

by Adam Riske

Well, the Fall movie season was certainly underwhelming. Hopefully the year will close out strong.

• I’ve been hearing nothing but rave reviews for Moonlight, so I’m optimistic but I really hope it’s not just festival delirium on the part of critics.

• I mean, sure, I’ll see Doctor Strange, but I’m not anticipating it much. Marvel has become a cinematic oil change for me.

• Do kids care about trolls enough to want to see Trolls?

• I’m conflicted. Hacksaw Ridge is getting strong reviews and the movie looks interesting, but it’s directed by Mel Gibson and I’m not sure I want to support his movies. It’s not like he’s a supporting player; he’s a major piece here.

• I’m eager to see Jeff Nichols’ new movie Loving in order to forget about Midnight Special, which I thought was a rare but extreme misstep for him.

• I see almost any Christmas movie, so Almost Christmas might almost be a movie I go see.

• I wanted to check out Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk for a number of reasons – the story, the cast and director Ang Lee, whose work I usually like very much. Then I heard it’s shot in 120 fps. What a stupid idea. Remember 48 fps with the first Hobbit movie and how terrible that looked?

• Denis Villeneuve rules, so I’m down for Arrival despite not usually being a huge fan of movies about aliens.

• The cast does nothing for me, but I’m a huge Potter nerd so I’ll be there opening day for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

• I will see any boxing movie. #BleedForThis

• I shouldn’t want to see The Edge of Seventeen but I can’t deny the trailers make me laugh.

• Allied looks like homework, but I like Robert Zemeckis and Brad Pitt enough to still go.

• Give me a fucking break. #BadSanta2 #99PercentOfComedySequelsBlow

• I’m really looking forward to Moana. It seems so charming and Dwayne Johnson is the best. Disney is on a roll, too, so I doubt they’ll let me down. We’ll see.

• I didn’t love Tom Ford’s last movie (A Single Man) BUT Nocturnal Animals looks so lurid and interesting. I love its cast, too.

• For the life of me, I don’t know why I want to see Rules Don’t Apply so much but I do. The best I can chalk it up to is my Lily Collins crush.

• Manchester by the Sea is supposed to be incredible. I can’t wait to see it. Casey Affleck and Kenneth Lonergan are consistently awesome.

• Another movie getting awards buzz is Jackie, starring Natalie Portman. I think she’s a bit overrated as an actress but the subject of the former first lady in the days after John F. Kennedy’s assassination does sound like an interesting film.

• I saw the trailer for Kidnap starring Halle Berry today for the first time and it looks like a practical joke more than an actual movie. Who wants to see another movie about a child in jeopardy?

• I so hope La La Land is as great as everyone is touting it is. Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone are both super charismatic and it’s the follow-up to Whiplash (my favorite movie of 2014) from writer-director Damien Chazelle. I’m so there. If I had to pick the movie I think would win Best Picture, it would probably be this one.

• No Lion for me. It’s a Dev Patel movie from The Weinstein Company. They might as well have sprayed the film with Adam Riske repellant.

• I’m getting a Michael Clayton vibe from the ads for Miss Sloane. I’m sort of interested. I like Jessica Chastain enough to “blind buy” a ticket.

• I’m super down for Office Christmas Party. It’s a Christmas movie for starters, and it’s also a workplace comedy, which, as an office worker, I always find myself drawn to.

• I can’t make it through the trailer for Collateral Beauty without my eyes rolling to the back of my head. Will Smith…I mean, seriously? What the hell happened to you man?

• Good lord, does The Space Between Us look terrible. I’m not convinced this Asa Butterfield guy is a lead.

• The movie I’m most looking forward to (like most people) is Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. I’m just worried that Godzilla Edwards is going to fuck it up.

• Sing looks cute, but (yet again) I fall back on “I don’t have kids so I don’t need to see that.”

• I think Michael Fassbender is the man. Even with that, though, I have absolutely zero interest in Assassin’s Creed. Video game movies almost never work so why bother unless I hear down the line it’s good?

• I like Jennifer Lawrence (though not as much as I used to). I like Chris Pratt, too, but Passengers has one of the worst trailers of the year. I feel like I’ve seen the whole movie already and what I’ve seen looks like a classic big-budget disaster.

• I wrote about A Monster Calls in my previous 2016 column, but it got pushed back, so yay, good for them, I am giving them free advertising! I’m sure I’ll see it, especially if it makes top 10s/gets awards. I heard it’s divisive –some love it and other hate it with equal passion.

• Why Him? seems like this year’s Parental Guidance. I’m going to end up seeing it, aren’t I? I’m such a moron.

• I haven’t seen a really good movie from director Denzel Washington yet (though Antwone Fisher has some strong moments), but if the reviews are good, I’ll see his latest movie Fences. The trailer’s strong.

What holiday/award season movies are you the most interested in seeing?