I Stream, You Stream Vol. 13

by Patrick Bromley

Tired of the same old holiday movies? Here are some alternatives to the usual alternative Christmas movie picks for you to stream this weekend!

Uncle Nick (2015, dir. Chris Kasick) Sometimes a great cast can redeem material that's just ok. Case in point: Uncle Nick, a dark comedy from director Chris Kasick that finds black sheep Brian Posehn spending Christmas with his family and burning everything to the ground with his awfulness. Or maybe he's just being honest? There's not much in Uncle Nick that hasn't been covered by a dozen other similar comedies, but Posehn and his fellow cast mates (including Scott Adsit, Missi Pyle, Melia Renee and the incomparable Paget Brewster) elevate every scene. Plus, there's just enough truthful observation about human behavior that it's possible to overlook some of the more unlikely beats. (Watch on Netflix)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2009, dir. Jalmari Helander) This Finnish import (#youseewhatIdidthere) is one of the very best Christmas horror movies ever made, even though the actual "horror" elements are downplayed and don't really present themselves until about an hour into the 80-minute runtime. It's all about the atmosphere and the sense of cold and the mythological angle director Helander takes; it's fun to see a fairy tale about Santa Clause told from the perspective of another country and culture. Shudder offers a couple of other Christmas horror movies, too, including Black Christmas and the Spanish-produced The Christmas Tale, which I hope to watch in the next few days.  (Watch on Shudder)

White Reindeer (2013, dir. Zack Clark) Here's a comedy-drama much more in the vein of Uncle Nick than, say, Christmas With the Cranks. Anna Margaret Hollyman totally goes for it as a real estate agent who enters a world of debaucherous sex and drug use after her husband suddenly drops dead. Joe Swanberg has a supporting role, which should give you a sense of what kind of comedy this is. Not for everyone, but I like it. Hollyman's performance alone warrants at least one viewing. Anyone looking for an alternative to the regular "alternatives" like Bad Santa should check it out. (Watch on Hulu)

Wind Chill (2007, dir. Gregory Jacobs) Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes play college students who team up for a ride share to get home on Christmas Eve but then get trapped in their car during a horrible snowstorm. The setup is terrific and there's a lot of good, atmospheric "what the fuck is going on?" stuff that takes place once they're stuck, but all of it is better than the payoff. This isn't quite a home run, but there is so much good in it that it's the kind of movie you wish was just a little better. Still, some good Christmas content and a really strong (and fairly early) performance from Emily Blunt. (Watch on Crackle)

Happy Naked Christmas (2003, dir. Geon-dong Lee) Truth be told, I've never seen this one. But with a title like that you can bet I will be watching it very soon. (Watch on Amazon Prime Video)

Christmas Evil (1980, dir. Lewis Jackson) Another classic Christmas horror isn't at all what you're expecting, provided you're expecting a variation on Silent Night, Deadly Night. While not nearly as grisly or intense, it's got more of a Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer vibe in that it's about a guy (Brandon Maggart, father of Fiona Apple) who is lonely and insane and everything is covered in dirt. It's a sadder movie than you would expect, but then gets weird and crazy every once in a while and becomes fun until it gets dark again. It also has one of the greatest endings in all of cinema. One of the very best of the "exploitation" class of Christmas horror. (Watch on Exploitation.TV)

Happy holidays!!

F This Movie! - White Christmas / Black Christmas

The annual Holiday special finds Patrick and Adam Riske visiting opposite ends of the Christmas movie spectrum.



Download this episode here. (47.6 MB)

Subscribe to F This Movie! in iTunes.

Listen to F This Movie! on Stitcher.

Also discussed this episode: American Honey (2016), Rogue One (2016), La La Land (2016), Collateral Beauty (2016), Nixon (1995), Office Christmas Party (2016), Miss Sloane (2016), Train to Busan (2016), Little Sister (2016), Krisha (2016),

My Dad, Clark Griswold

by Melissa Uhrin

"We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye" - Clark Griswold

One of my favourite Christmas movies both growing up and as an adult is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, which without a doubt stems from the fact that my dad is Clark Griswold. Fact. He's the Dad that tries his best to ensure every moment of the season is magical, special and meaningful. But the inevitable shit always goes down leaving us with the telltale wide-eyes of barely restrained keeping-it-together-ness. And for the first time in twenty years, I get to wake up on Christmas morning and spend it with my Dad. My Clark Griswold.

The movie is an almost frame by frame take of all of my childhood Christmas memories. We did the trek through the woods to find the perfect tree (a tradition I am so happy he has continued on with his grandkiddies), but the military in my dad would ensure the measurements were correct-ish. I can remember a couple years when our angel would spend the holiday season with a kink in her neck atop the tree, ever so lightly being smushed into the ceiling. And the sap...even more than twenty years later I remember that fricken sap somehow getting onto and into everything.

In lieu of shiny metal disc, Dad would wax up the family sized toboggan and we would lightning speed our asses to the bottom of the hill, and as I listen to all the "Woahs," "Whats" and general yelling from that scene of the movie, I can't help but laugh out loud as he even sounds like my dad.

Time and time again every well intentioned gesture appears to momentarily break him down, but Clark Griswold is so resolved that THIS Christmas be the BEST Christmas that he forges on regardless of how many things go to shit. He and my Dad are the epitome of Christmas spirit. No matter the situation they persevere until finally they are white knuckling the ends of two extension cords, slowly bringing them together with what can only be described as a look of constipated fury, finally culminating in the HALLELUJAH of success. That look. I don't need to turn on the TV to revisit that. It's the one that time and again appears whenever MY Clark Griswold nears his breaking point, but being the man that he is, it also immediately reverts to glowing happiness the instant things work as they should.

Looking back, I think the first time I remember hearing my Dad swear ("shit" was a swear word at some point right?) was at Christmas, although he's going to have to up his game if he's ever going to rival the Christmas Vacation rant when Griswold reaches HIS breaking point.

The genetics run strong in our family (heh heh), and growing up with Clark Griswold as my Dad has ensured that every year, I too strive for holiday perfection. And the magic is that somehow each year always manages to kick last Christmas' ass.

Anything that can take me back to the wonderful magic of Christmases long ago and the dysfunction they were wrapped up in has done it's job. With all the stress and frenzy of the season, people have a tendency to lose the Christmas spirit, but with this movie is full of the heart, love and humour that help to remind us what it's all about.

....Watching your Dad's look of constipated fury just as he's nearing his breaking point, of course.

Heath Holland On...The Search for the Real Worst Christmas Movie

by Heath Holland

This week, Ho-Ho Heath gives his thoughts on Christmas movies that the internet says are the worst.

There’s something about Christmas that brings the hate out in people. Maybe it’s the fact that radio stations started playing Christmas tunes the day after Halloween. Maybe it’s the insane traffic, or the crowds, or the shopping nightmares. For whatever reason, you’ll find people grumpier at Christmas than any other time of the year. So when I start seeing lists pop up on the internet this time of year that warn against the “worst Christmas movies of all time,” I’m not surprised. After all, most of these lists are click-bait at best, and irresponsible, uninformed journalism at worst. Each December in the past, I’ve highlighted a single movie that I think is unfairly maligned by the internet movie community. This year I’m abandoning the idea of a single movie and am taking on a whole bunch of them to see if the most popular contenders for worst Christmas movie really are as horrible as their internet reputation would have us believe.

A movie that seems to be on almost all of these “worst” lists comes from 1996 and features a muscular tough guy in a tender-hearted role. Actually, there were two Christmas movies in 1996 that featured action stars in lead roles. On the successful side of things (speaking relatively), we got Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle all the Way. On the losing side, we got Hulk Hogan in Santa with Muscles, a flick that spent almost its entire pre-YouTube life gathering dust on VHS shelves. It makes sense that people chose to watch Arnold get a Turbo Man action figure for his kid instead of watching an amnesiac Hulk Hogan think he was Santa Claus, but this is frequently bandied about as one of the worst movies ever. I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. It’s not good, but even Hogan himself made far worse movies. He’s likable in the role, and the movie is aimed at kids of the 1990s who would have been familiar with Hulk Hogan and entertained by seeing him in a holiday movie. Besides, this one is worth watching just for the cast, which consists of Mila Kunis AND her future That ‘70s Show costar Don Stark, Robin Curtis (Saavik from Star Trek III and IV), SNL-alum Garrett Morris, Clint “Da Mutha Effin’ Man” Howard, and Ed Begley, Jr.

I think we all know the real reason this one tanked, and it’s not because it’s awful. Just a few months before this movie was released, Hulk Hogan turned on his buddy Macho Man Randy Savage at WCW’s Bash at the Beach, becoming a bad guy for the first time in his WWF/WCW professional wrestling career. Going by the name “Hollywood Hulk Hogan,” he proclaimed himself a movie star and the future of wrestling. Audiences must have been SO UPSET by his heel turn and his over-confidence in his mainstream appeal, they boycotted this movie out of pure principle. There’s just no other explanation, right? I actually feel really bad for Hogan, because he could have been the kind of star that The Rock and John Cena are today if he’d had the same kind of promotional machine behind him that those guys did and not the tonally-schizophrenic No Holds Barred. Too bad WWE Films wasn’t making the kinds of movies in the 1980s that they would later on. We’d have gotten Hulk Hogan in a 12 Rounds sequel where he takes on the bad guys as an army of one. Santa with Muscles isn’t a classic, but it’s far from the worst Christmas movie ever made. If anything, it’s just like every other mid-‘90s action/comedy made for families.

Ernest Saves Christmas is a movie I feel so strongly about that I gave it a column all to itself a few years ago. I really liked the movie as a kid, but turned my back on it when I got older. When I watched it with my own kid a few years ago, I was blown away by how earnest and sweet it was. I can understand if this isn’t someone’s cup of tea, and that’s fine. It’s goofy, clichéd, and the humor is pretty broad, missing as often as it hits. Having said that, I’m not sure how anyone could say this is one of the worst Christmas movies ever. I can think of 15 or 20 that are worse right now, and most of those hate themselves and they hate you too. Ernest Saves Christmas isn’t patronizing or cynical. If anything, it believes so strongly that each of us can make a difference by spreading the magic of Christmas that it actually challenges us to expose our own vulnerability. At the end of the day, you can’t really fault Jim Varney. When his regional comedy blossomed into national success and his most popular character, Ernest P. Worrell, achieved mainstream recognition, he could have steered into blue territory and garnered an even larger audience if he’d wanted to. Instead, he chose to focus on entertaining children and families, using his characters to hopefully inspire others to be better. Ernest Saves Christmas may not a great movie, but it has its place, and that place isn’t on the bottom of a trash pile.

The internet would have you believe that Silent Night, Deadly Night 1 and 2 are widely considered to be absolutely worthless. The first movie was so loathed by parent watchdog groups when it came out in the ‘80s that it was actually considered dangerous, and became the victim of censorship and a smear campaign. Looking back on it now, Silent Night, Deadly Night almost seems tame. You can see more graphic, subversive content any given evening on television. So we’re left with the question: when you take away all the subversive, controversial elements, are the movies themselves the worst of the bunch? I don’t think so. In fact, I’d say both of these are downright entertaining when watched in the right spirit. The first film is about an axe murderer at Christmas time and the sequel only serves to up the ante in all respects. If the sequel is worthy of any real criticism outside of the premise, it would be that it’s kind of lazy and uses a too many flashbacks from the first film. Still, the worst? Puh-leeze. These are worth watching just to piss off the people who think slasher movies turn people into serial killers.

With 1959’s fever-dream of a movie Santa Claus, we’re starting to get into territory where a case can actually made for true awfulness. This Mexican production finds Santa Claus battling the forces of darkness as he does locks horns with a demon sent by Satan himself to ruin Christmas. Along the way, Santa must enlist the help of MERLIN, (yeah, THAT Merlin), for some magical artifacts to help him combat the supernatural obstacles that he faces so he can bring Christmas to all the children of the world. Now…listen. LISTEN. Is this a great movie? Noooooo. But did you read that description? I mean, COME ON. If this movie commits a real sin, it’s that the above story is actually kind of boring, and no movie based on that premise should ever be boring. But honestly, how can you not give it ALL OF THE STARS for trying so hard? When we have a baker’s dozen Hallmark original movies each year that are about a feisty young lady and her on-again-off-again relationship with a boyfriend who is afraid of commitment but just might be able to give her real love for the holidays when he almost loses her, THIS ends up on everyone’s “worst” list? It’ not good, but at least it’s different and unique. If the saccharine schmaltz of typical holiday fare makes you want to throw up your egg nog, this is at least something you can’t see anywhere else.

It seems like all of these internet lists consistently crown one Christmas movie as the worst of all, and it’s 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. In a shocking twist that I’m sure you NEVER saw coming, this is probably my favorite of all of the ones listed. Anyone who has actually watched this movie and still says that it’s the worst Christmas movie has only seen seven movies in their entire life. How can you not love it based on the title alone? Yes, it’s low-budget. Yes, it’s a little slow. But you know what? It has people in polar bear suits, ancient beings with mystical powers, people in green face paint and tights, and a ROBOT. People who don’t like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians probably don’t like Japanese monster movies or Kung Fu flicks either. Bruce Lee? HACK. Sonny Chiba? LOSER. I mean, seriously, what’s not to love? Bright, mid-sixties colors? Check. Catchy, swinging musical intro? Check. Thinly-veiled message about the dangers of too much television? Check. Look, I know this is one of those movies that Mystery Science Theater 3000 made infamous. I also get that MST3K is beloved for taking big Cleveland steamers on top of the movies that they feature. Question: since when did MST3K become the arbiter of what is good and what is not? I loved those guys as much as anyone during the ‘90s, but have you ever watched any of those movies without their commentary? The movies are pretty entertaining all by themselves. MST3K has a place, but they aren’t the last word in what is good and what isn’t. This movie is exactly what it wants to be. There is no colossal irony where the filmmakers of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians thought they were making a Bergman film and accidentally made a camp classic. No, they MEANT to make a camp classic. Racial violence was on the front page of the news every day. America was slipping deeper and deeper into the conflict in Vietnam and U.S. troops were getting killed for reasons no one could explain. This movie is a deliberate reaction against the horrible direction in which the sixties were quickly heading. Give the kids something to take their minds off of the horrors of reality. Give them Santa Claus, but for the atomic age!

Is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians a good movie? Well…no. But I’ll take its mid-century kitsch and deliberate optimism over another big-budget holiday movie full of commercial sentimentality that’s designed to cut straight to our emotional heartstrings. The fact is that we live in a time where everything is exactly the same. Most of our movies look the same. Every movie trailer sounds exactly the same. The mall in your city looks exactly like every other mall in the nation, and probably has all the same stores, too. If you want to eat out at a restaurant, you can dine at the same 25 restaurants no matter where you are. We should champion individuality and movies like these for being so weird and crazy, and for not being afraid to disrupt the status quo. So what if they aren’t all fantastic? I could probably count all the truly fantastic Christmas movies on two hands. That doesn’t make everything else “the worst.” So here you go, Internet Echo Chamber (not you guys reading this; you’re the best). Here’s an opinion from someone who actually watched the movies you said were the worst of the worst, and an explanation for why they aren’t.

Now as for the actual worst Christmas movie of all time…I think Adam Riske discovered it last year. 2014’s Saving Christmas, starring Kirk Cameron is the most insipid, uninspired “movie” I’ve ever seen in my entire life. My opinion of it doesn’t even have anything to do with its heavy-handed message, but rather the complete lack of tact, skill, and value that it offers to justify its own existence. All the other movies I wrote about in this installment have an honesty and earnestness behind them in that they want to tell a fun story. Saving Christmas is less concerned with those things and more interested in a false premise that I don’t think exists anyway. I suspect the entire project was made for free. It appears to have been shot on a cheap, HD digital camera, and I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone in it worked with no pay, including the editor and the “special effects” guy. Kirk Cameron knows better. He’s been an actor for decades, and he knows how to give a performance and how movies SHOULD be made. Even more offensive is that the director and co-star is Darren Doane, who used to direct punk music videos for the likes of Blink-182 and Pennywise. It breaks my heart that he’s traded in his rebellious spirit for pseudo-spiritual pap like this. The Christian movie market needs free-thinkers and a few punks to shake things up. Perhaps even more sad, I suspect that Doane thinks that he DID make a punk rock rebellious movie. He didn’t. Saving Christmas is less a movie and more an extended video sermon designed to be shown at churches during the holiday season in place of Sunday evening services. At no point does it feel like anyone gives a crap about making art or telling a story. Even the poster and cover art is entirely misleading. Shame on you, Saving Christmas. You make the 1959 Mexican Santa Claus look like Citizen Kane. I’ve never seen a lazier, joyless movie. Ever. Riske nailed it.

So it looks like we found a really awful Christmas movie after all, and the internet was right about this one. Steering clear of the last one, though, I think you’re fine to ignore those insufferable “worst” lists and give any of the other movies a shot, especially late at night when you’ve got a nog hangover and just need something goofy to watch while you chill out. They seem to play best when you’re in the place between sleep and awake. You know, the place that Santa Claus lives, with the Martians, the robots, and Merlin.

I hope you stuck with me through all that, but if you didn’t and decided it was TL; DR, let me wish you happy holidays and a tacky Christmas.